“Glory Glory to Ole Auburn” to Be Heard Zero Times This Weekend

LSU is favored by 20½, the over/under is 48 (meaning LSU is predicted to win 34¼ to 13¾?), the second-best team in the state of Alabama is Troy, and Auburn has a head coach with a 22-31 (.415) record in games not featuring Cam Newton.  Unless the Tigers get caught looking ahead to Towson, there’s simply no reason to watch this game.

I’ll probably watch it myself, unless I can get away with watching the ULM/Baylor game from Friday night that I will have Tivoed.  I’m also tempted to check it out to see during the inevitable 500 shots of Tyrann Mathieu in the student section if his eyes are glazed over and he looks really hungry.

I’m also tempted to check it out to see during the inevitable 500 shots of Tyrann Mathieu in the student section if his eyes are glazed over and he looks really hungry.

If you or someone you know has done a scouting report on Auburn that actually goes further than determining that first-year defensive coordinator Brian VanGorder’s doppelganger is the passed-out guy in the orgy at the end of Taboo 2 (which I may watch instead of the game), then somebody needs to get a life. We here at Balls always give you the scouting reports that you deserve, and here’s this week’s:

Top XIV Nicknames for an Auburn Fan’s Genitalia

  1. Old Main
  2. Gene Jizzik
  3. The Third Toomer Oak (any STDs contracted by this guy will be referred to as Spike 80DF)
  4. Clam Newton
  5. Richard Quick
  6. Beard-Cleaves Memorial Coliseum
  7. War Eagle 7½”
  8. The Late Dean Frederic Child Biggin
  9. Dick Fairley (known for cheap shots)
  10. Toomer’s Horner
  11. Willie Whitehead
  12. War Eagle 8″
  13. C-nt Bama C-nt
  14. Shug

Balls’ prediction for tommorrow’s game:  LSU rolls to an easy win, 38-3, and LSU fans try to ignore the elephant in the room that is the fact that Alabama will probably kill the Tigers in six weeks.

About Adam Wilson

Adam Wilson
Adam Wilson was the original columnist for Balls, Pucks, and Cups. He returned after a five-year contract dispute with The Red Shtick management.

Check Also

GUEST COLUMN: “I Care About Syrians, Just Not Enough to Let Them in the U.S.” — Rosie Parker

My heart goes out to these poor, suffering people and their families. However, that doesn’t mean I want them in this country.