The Lizard King

For this column, I’m turning the floor over to my German shepherd, Bruner. He’s all black, approximately 8 years old, and has many strong opinions on his world. When you read what he has to say, bear in mind that he likes to speak using an accent that can best be compared to that of Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes.

So, without further ado, here’s Bruner. For the sake of clarity, I won’t try to capture his accent, but I do ask you to try to hear it in your mind as you read.

I would like to speak to you today about a grave threat which faces us all. This threat, of course, is that posed by the wicked scourge which is lizardkind.

These lizards invade our homes, hide in the bushes, and generally mock us by standing sideways on windows and ignoring the rules of gravity which the rest of us have all agreed to follow.

I hate the lizards, though they are crunchy and delicious.

[pullquote]Every day I must hone my skills, stay strong and fast with gnashing teeth. For doom approaches, and all that holds it back is the thin black line of my fuzzy form.[/pullquote]

When I am not busy monitoring the dangerous conditions found in the front yard, where my fence does not allow me to patrol, I spend much time hunting down and eliminating the lizards which dare infest my territory. I take great pride in this work. It is, like most of the work I do, largely thankless. Although, to be fair, my owner does feed me from time to time, and take me on walks where I can insult all the other mangy curs which live nearby.

Still, the lizards never seem to disappear. This is, I believe, a clear sign of their arcane powers. Powers granted them by the greatest lizard of all time, Merlin the Lizard.

He was well-known for his spells and magic, and I believe it is his work which has made the lizards impossible to eradicate. I eat many of them, yet still, there are more. Dark arts, if ever I have seen them.

Lizards are not like the other fell beasts which threaten our peace and tranquility. When you kill, say, a possum, more possums do not magically appear the very next day. You may get a good scratch to your snout for your troubles, but you bear your scar proudly, knowing it meant the end of a deadly foe.

Not so with lizards. The more you kill, the more there seem to be. I fear we approach a day when they will finally be so numerous they can rise up, subjugate we good people and dogs, and make us pledge fealty to their Lizard King. Turning us, as we have all feared, into subjugated lizard vassals, constantly capturing bugs and presenting them in tithe.

Is that a future you wish to endure? I know it’s not one I choose. And so, I hunt. And catch them.

And they are, as I’ve said, crunchy and delicious.

We dogs have long been man’s best friend. Lizards, instead, have long mocked man, pretending that their bug consumption is, in some way, beneficial, when truly their hearts are full of wicked aspirations to power. They are fast and elusive, and very good at hiding in my bushes. Every day I must hone my skills, stay strong and fast with gnashing teeth. For doom approaches, and all that holds it back is the thin black line of my fuzzy form.

I sometimes see my master looking at lizards, and calling them “cute,” and this infuriates me. Like when I smell chicken bones in the trash, and he doesn’t share them with me. Clearly, he has no understanding of the world.

Still, I hope, someday, to bring awareness to the human community. With your help, and perhaps an accelerated breeding program to equip all human homes with two or three dozen ruthless canines well-versed in the arts of lizard hunting, we can stop this coup before it can succeed.

If not, I suggest you learn to speak lizard. And soon.

About Jared Kendall

Jared Kendall
A freelance data journalist and father of two, Jared Kendall has been using comedy as a coping mechanism his entire life. Born a Yankee, Jared's twenty-year stint in Baton Rouge still leaves him with one question: "Why'd I move here, again?"

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