As history has shown, these next two months will be filled with levels of vitriol and animosity not seen since the epic Team Jacob/Team Edward rivalry of 2010. This country still has plenty of time to lose its mind.
Why not take this time to remember the epic words of Chris Rock: “There ain’t nothin’ you can’t do on the 7th just ’cause your guy didn’t win.”
All those people collecting “likes” are now browsing through your pictures looking for porn to post on their websites or stealing stock photos to put in Pepsi ads in Vietnam.
Both parties are going to do everything they can over the next weeks to convince you otherwise, but it simply isn’t true. If you need proof, just look at the attack ads from every presidential election in the history of elections. We’re still here.
We’re hearing things we all know aren’t true and pretending we didn’t notice, because it reinforces the argument we all got dragged into that nobody really believes.
We all just want to go to work, go home, get laid, watch TV, and maybe do something interesting on the weekends. So, for this month, here are some things that aren’t true, that you know aren’t true, that we all need to admit aren’t true so this country can quit losing its mind for a little while.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The moon landing wasn’t faked. They went there, and it was awesome. Mythbusters proved it. Here’s a video of an old man punching a punk out for saying otherwise:
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Obama is neither Muslim nor Kenyan. If he were Muslim, you’re a bad person for not liking him just for that. As for his place of birth, if the folks at Wal-Mart take the time to check your references before they let you wave to people walking in, then you can bet the U.S. government does a little checking of its own for something as scrutinized as the presidency. Let it go.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Zombies can’t happen. Stop buying shotguns. It’s stupid and someone is going to get hurt.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The universe is not 6,000 years old. You know how we know? Science. Lots of it. If your only reference tool for making astronomical calculations begins with a story about a magic tree and a talking snake, perhaps it’s time to reread the definition of “science.”
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The world won’t end in December. If the Mayans could have figured that one out, then they would have gone on to develop the iPad and some sort of McDonald’s-like fast-food franchise that sells guinea pig on a stick.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Everything either candidate tells you about lowering gas prices and creating jobs is a lie. They can’t guarantee that stuff. If your doctor tells you you’ve got cancer, he can promise to do his best, but he knows there’s always a chance that something unexpected could happen. Nothing’s guaranteed, especially not in global economics.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Facebook doesn’t donate money for “likes.” All those people collecting “likes” are now browsing through your pictures looking for porn to post on their websites or stealing stock photos to put in Pepsi ads in Vietnam.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): The government is never coming for your guns. It would be insane on two levels.1) The government has tried to take people’s guns away on a small scale before. It never works out. Perhaps you heard about an incident at Ruby Ridge. Now imagine that happening, but in all of Livingston Parish. 2) An armed populace is the United States’ greatest tactical advantage. No country in its right mind would think of invading us, not with soccer moms running around with pink 9mms in their purses.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Fanny packs were never cool. Ever.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Embryonic stem cells do not get harvested from otherwise viable babies. While the mental image of a failed fetus is sad, you can rest assured that it doesn’t need its stem cells anymore. Now shut up about it. I want to see a fourth Back to the Future movie.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Neither presidential candidate gives a fart in the wind about you. They haven’t had to drive in rush-hour traffic in decades. They have no concept anymore of the frustrations of the majority of the population. They don’t know or care about your life. They just want your vote and will lie to you however much is required to get it.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): No one really likes the Kardashians. Possibly tween girls who won’t really be capable of logical thought for another ten years, but even then it’s iffy. The Kardashians are a sad, sad joke that they themselves never got and we as a society have allowed to go on for far too long. Someone break it to them gently.