by Mickey Tilly
After a media circus such as the one surrounding the dismissal of Tyrann Mathieu, or “The Candy Marmot,” as Les Miles called him, our beloved and befuddled coach takes a moment to contemplate the state of his damn strong team. At times like these, Les retreats to his genetically altered defensive lineman farm near Bunkie and takes midnight walks, because let’s be honest: Les Miles doesn’t give a damn about your clocks. It is here that our coach formulates his plan to replace the Marmot:
“Well, if I only feed Mingo one goat a day instead of two, he’ll be famished enough to want to run faster, and he could play corner. True, he might want to dismember and eat anyone flashing through his zone, but that’s the risk you run for wanting the type of man with the chesty want to want greatness.
“But what would we call him? The Molasses Groundhog? Or maybe the Splenda Porcupine? Got to get Chavis on a new nickname for this thing”¦
Tyrann will be missed most by the fans. He was the anti-Tebow. A shi-t-talking, spotlight-grabbing dynamo capable of winning the Heisman and your grandma’s heart while also raiding your liquor cabinet and screwing your wife.
“Tharold Simon got them long arms; maybe he can play both corners at once and we could put an angry water buffalo in as an extra D-lineman? I mean, the water buffalo isn’t as big or mean as Sam Montgomery, but we could use the smooth gentle touch of buffalo pelt in the huddle again. It hasn’t been the same since Glenn Dorsey went pro and took that beautiful fur with him (sigh)!
“Oh hell, this new batch of corners is more or less ready. I’ll just put in a guy named Jalen and give him a snazzy nickname.
“Ladies and gentlemen, starting at cornerback, I give you Jalen Collins, the “˜High-Fructose Corn Syrup Prairie Dog.’ Get your T-shirts now!”
The truth is, there are four freakishly athletic, absurdly fast young corners on the LSU roster already, so don’t expect too much drop-off in pass coverage. There will be some growing pains, but the defense is too talented to see a huge letdown because of one player. Turnovers and special teams are where we will really feel the loss of Tyrann, and the Tiger defense will occasionally overextend itself to make up for TM7’s absence.
Tyrann will be missed most by the fans. He was the anti-Tebow. A shi-t-talking, spotlight-grabbing dynamo capable of winning the Heisman and your grandma’s heart while also raiding your liquor cabinet and screwing your wife. He was a walking, talking, tweeting panty-dropper. Godspeed, son. Give ’em hell wherever you go, unless it’s McNeese, because they’re already in hell.
Odell Beckham Jr. will fill in well on punt returns and should, in my opinion, be this year’s breakout star on this football team. Verne and Gary should already be working on their “A TD for OB!” call that will no doubt make me go all Jordan Jefferson on my TV midway through the season.
Oh, and we seem to have somehow cloned Barkevious Mingo in the form of true freshman Danielle Hunter, just a run-of-the-mill, 6-foot-5, 235-pound 17-year-old kid with blazing speed. No big deal. Looks like Les and Chavis are going to have to up the sacrificial goat order this year. If Nick Saban took sh-ts, he might sh-t his pants at the thought of Mingo and Hunter rushing the edges on third down. But Nick Saban doesn’t sh-t “¦ or sleep “¦ or cry “¦. or call his mother.
He does, however, lose at least two games this year. Sabatron can’t destroy the world this year; the Mayans already claimed that. Nice knowing you, Nicky-poo! Have a great day.