Evacuations Ordered After “Slurry Area” Found in Assumption Parish Man’s Underwear

State authorities ordered an immediate evacuation of the Bayou Corne area yesterday because of noxious fumes emanating from a “slurry area” discovered in a local man’s drawers.

Gov. Bobby Jindal subsequently declared a state of emergency in Assumption Parish after officials with the Department of Environmental Quality confirmed the existence of a massive slurry area in Ronald “Deuce” Carrier’s Fruit of the Loom briefs.

The odiferous slurry area in Carrier’s britches was preceded by unexplained gas bubbles in Carrier’s gastrointestinal tract, as reported by his family and neighbors, authorities said.

“I been hearing his stomach gurgling for days,” Carrier’s wife Doris said. “Every now and then, he’d rip these God-awful farts that would clear the damn room. He thought it was funny, but I told him one day he’d sh-t his drawers, and sure enough, he did.”

The odiferous slurry area in Carrier’s britches was preceded by unexplained gas bubbles in Carrier’s gastrointestinal tract…

Despite dropping a growler in his underwear and causing an evacuation order, it seems “Deuce” isn’t nearly as embarrassed about the ordeal as his wife is.

“Everyone in the neighborhood had to up and leave while DEQ figured out how to decontaminate Ronald’s nasty ass,” she said. “Of course, he thinks it’s hilarious. He said, ‘Ain’t this ASS-umption Parish?’ That sh-t ain’t funny.”

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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