Christian Science Hall Monitor

August and I have always had an awkward relationship. I love August because it’s when my birthday pops up, and there is little that excites my narcissistic personality disorder more than a day dedicated to me. On the flip side, I hated August as a kid because that was when school started.

I’ve since graduated from college and left the bad side of August far behind me. Still, August forever will be the sneaky uncle who spied on me in the shower as a kid but always mails me a check for a hundred bucks on my birthday. What’s a guy to do, right?

Global warming is just a sign that the end is drawing nigh. As Satan gets closer to returning to Earth, naturally, we can expect global temperatures to rise.

“Back to school” will mean something different for many kids in Louisiana this year. Governor Bobby Jindal’s voucher program will allow kids in the state who attend failing schools to go to private schools on the state’s dime.

The variety of private schools is interesting in that it includes a number of religious schools, meaning the state will be sponsoring religious education. Not that I have a problem with religious education, mind you, but it is my sincere wish that every child be offered an honest, fact-based look at the world he lives in.

Many schools have a problem with facts butting up against long-held doctrines. For instance: The facts that snakes lay eggs, are cold-blooded, and lack vocal cords of any sort conflict with the first five chapters of Genesis.

Of particular note is Eternity Christian Academy, which is using a “science” book from a Christian publisher that mentions the existence of the Loch Ness Monster to disprove evolution. The state will pay for your child to learn this to save him the pain of trying to understand Darwinism.

Not wanting to go against the state’s wishes, I have “researched” a number of “facts” for each of you to “learn” to help insulate you from the harsh realities of science.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The Higgs boson is known as the “God particle” because it is undeniable proof that God exists.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Global warming is just a sign that the end is drawing nigh. As Satan gets closer to returning to Earth, naturally, we can expect global temperatures to rise.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Earth is the only inhabited planet in the universe. If it weren’t, why would we be seeing aliens here all the time instead of on the camera of the Mars rover?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The universe is only slightly bigger than the planet Earth itself. All the little points of light we know as “stars” are actually peepholes God poked in the box he keeps Earth in so we can have fresh air.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): There has never been an actual fossilized “caveman” discovery. Anthropologists are simply misinterpreting the skeletons of infant Bigfoots.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Monkeys still exist, so there is no way we could have evolved from them. However, God created Eve out of Adam’s rib and then filled in the space with dirt. The reason we don’t ever see doctors removing men’s dirt ribs is because when the dirt rib touches air, it becomes bone. You know, like how your blood is blue inside your body but red when it touches air.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Dinosaurs all died in the great flood, like, 300 years ago because they had those teeny arms and couldn’t swim. But there are still swimming dinosaurs in the water somewhere; they are just way faster than boats. Also, my cousin swears he once saw a pterodactyl while on acid.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Men are naturally smarter than women. That’s science. Intelligent women who achieve greatness can naturally be assumed to be witches.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Homosexuality is against nature. If it weren’t, they would be able to reproduce. I mean, with each other. Not each OTHER, but, like, with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I mean “¦ look “¦ two guys can’t make a baby without a lesbian willing to carry it to term, right? I’m not really sure about this one. My parents were scared of sex, so they gave me a book about a boy frog who didn’t want to be alone anymore so it laid eggs with a girl frog. But there weren’t any gays in the Bible. What? There were?! Get out!?!?!

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Magnets! How do they work if God isn’t real, huh?

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you sit on an egg, it won’t hatch into a chicken. Only a chicken can hatch an egg. That’s intelligent design. If you try to hatch an egg, it’ll end up like that Kuato thing in Total Recall. The original with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I haven’t seen the new one. Don’t spoil it for me.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): One time I shoved a watermelon seed in my nose and it sprouted into my brain. The doctors took it out along with most of my frontal lobe. I later ate my own brain watermelon. See, we’re made of dirt.

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

Check Also

MARCH HORRORSCOPES: Easter Fools

Since Easter lands on April Fools' Day this year, Knick Moore offers a basket full of ideas about what to stuff into those drugstore plastic eggs.