As you might have guessed by the puddle of sweat you land in every time you sit down, July is the hottest month in the Julian calendar.
In his infinite wisdom, Ronald Reagan, in 1984, declared the third Sunday in July “National Ice Cream Day,” citing that 90% of the population of the United States enjoyed the frozen treat. Then, in what was most likely an early warning sign of his impending Alzheimer’s disease, Reagan went ahead and declared July “National Ice Cream Month,” since someone had already dedicated a day to it. Reagan stated that the day and month should be “observed with appropriate ceremonies and activities,” which, I suppose, includes everything from making it at home to watching young ladies with father issues wrestle in it.
July might also make for a great time to try a new flavor of ice cream, and for those of you a bit more adventurous than “Chunky Monkey” or “Rum Raisin,” might I offer each of you a unique variation on ice cream according to your astrological sign.
Italy is home to a particularly scrumptious ice cream mixture of spleen and artichoke “” because spleen by itself just would be weird.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Next time you’re in Puerto Rico, seek out a shop that sells brandy and sardine ice cream. That way, when you throw it up, people will assume you’re just drunk.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Right here in the U.S. of A, the folks at Dallas Food came up with a chicken fried steak ice cream. It holds the rare distinction of being able to make you fat faster than regular chicken fried steak.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of the most popular flavors of ice cream in the Philippines is cheese. If that isn’t odd enough for you, they serve it on hamburger buns instead of in cones.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you’re looking to move things from the ice cream parlor to the bedroom, try Italian inventor Franco Corradi’s Viagra ice cream. Just be discreet about sucking it out of the bottom of the cone.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Japan offers ice cream made out of just about anything you can pull out of the ocean, but arguably the finest is tako aisu: octopus ice cream with real bits of frozen octopus in it.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Merida, in the Venezuelan Andes, is thankfully the only place you find spaghetti and cheese ice cream. It’s cheese-flavored, but with the added texture of unflavored spaghetti noodles. Awesome, right?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In Alaska, the Eskimos have a long tradition of making aqutak. It’s like ice cream, but instead of cream, they use whipped fat mixed with leftover meat and, of course, sugar and berries to keep things fun. Surprisingly, a serving still contains fewer calories than a single Doritos Locos Taco.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Leave it to England to screw up the very concept of ice cream. There, you can purchase a “mash cone,” which is an ice cream cone filled with mashed potatoes and topped with sausage, peas, and gravy “” served warm, of course.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Philippe Faur, a French company, offers a caviar ice cream that is guaranteed to be 60% white sturgeon Alverta Royal Petrossian caviar. However, it still will taste like mermaid sweat.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): In Japan, you can enjoy a wide variety of awkward ice cream flavors, including Basashi horse ice cream. It’s made with actual bits of raw horse flesh in it. Mmmm”¦
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Italy is home to a particularly scrumptious ice cream mixture of spleen and artichoke “” because spleen by itself just would be weird.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Singapore offers a lovely pairing of coconut and yam. While this may not sound that odd, remember that the national fruit of Singapore is the durian, a large, spiky monstrosity that tastes like armpit. You’ve been warned.