To Have and to Hold

In this instance, “hold” constitutes a legally binding contract in which all property, descendants, and power of attorney are transferred to your spouse in time of duress, or as seen fit by a court of law.

It’s June, which means the wedding season is upon us. How fitting, given North Carolina’s insistence last month that they stay firmly rooted in the early 1960s. That little ballot initiative led to a hell of a lot of hoopla in the press, and as usual, the most vocal about it were the least informed.

In fact, last month, The Advocate (the Baton Rouge newspaper, not the world’s most widely read gay magazine) published an obviously inflammatory editorial from a retired fisherman in Morgan City. This gentleman insisted that marriage has always existed to make life better for the children, thus rendering gay marriage obsolete.

I take particular umbrage at this comment for several reasons.

Nothing says love like a marriage arranged at birth.

First off, my wife and I have been married for five years and have no intention of having children. I dare this man to tell me to my face my marriage doesn’t count and see if he doesn’t walk away with his white rubber boots firmly lodged in his colon.

Secondly, because my wife and I are in our thirties, childless, and active in local theater, we have several very close, homosexual friends. More than a few of them have expressed interest in either artificial insemination or adoption. I suppose the argument would be that this constitutes an unnatural family.

Well, that brings me to my third point: I’m adopted, as are my two sisters. So please continue, Mr. Retired Fisherman, to tell me how the entirety of my life from my friends and family to my very own marriage is all a farce. It seems pretty real to me.

This is not a new argument concerning the “sanctity” of marriage, and like the arguments against evolution or the Big Bang or climate change, it is rooted in willful ignorance. There are mountains of data out there, easily accessible to anyone with a smartphone.

But learning is hard. It’s much easier to chalk up idiocy, bigotry, and hate to magic and environment than to admit that you don’t have the mental capacity to learn on your own.

Well, let me help you out, Captain Dumbass of the S.S. Clown Shoe. This month, every sign gets a free history lesson about marriage.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In the first of several examples from the Bible, I’d like to mention that Solomon had 700 wives, whom I’m sure he loved equally. Discounting this example as being from the Old Testament is not an option, as most of the verses preachers use to decry homosexuality come from the Old Testament. They have to; Jesus never mentioned anything about it to ANY OF THE 12 DUDES HE ALWAYS HUNG AROUND WITH.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): In Iran, adultery is illegal and punishable by death for the woman and a stern talking to for the man. However, you can pay to have an imam marry you to a total stranger for the duration of your sexcapade then divorce you afterward. Totally legit.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Comanche women were required to marry because hot, young, single ladies running around caused contention in the tribe. See: Reggie’s on a Friday night. Better put a ring on it before someone starts a fight.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of the most visible reasons for marriage in the annals of civilization is to secure lasting peace treaties between royal families. Nothing says love like a marriage arranged at birth.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to Deuteronomy 22:28-29, a virgin who is raped is required to marry her rapist, and in return, he must pay her family 50 shekels of silver for the loss of property. You can still see examples of this in the Middle East and in Rick Santorum’s (Google his name) views on abortion.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Japan is currently in crisis because so few of its citizens are getting married. There have been several publicity campaigns encouraging marriage and procreation, because you can’t live that close to North Korea and not have a steady stream of soldiers on the way.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In 1563, the Council of Trent required marriage to be performed by a priest in order to count. This had less to do with sanctity than the fact that the priest wasn’t free, and the church got to wet its beak, as well.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Exodus 21:4 gives slave owners the right to marry their slaves as they see fit, and the wives were required to submit sexually to their husbands. Read this as “breed.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Whomever you get to perform the ceremony, marriage is still viewed by the state as a legal contract that ultimately protects property through inheritance. And since we’re speaking legalese”¦

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Only a spouse or family member can see you in the emergency room. This is entirely for legal reasons; once again, sanctity has nothing to do with it.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): When Moses led the Israelites against the Midianites, they followed God’s command that every man, woman, and child be slaughtered. Conveniently enough, God also commanded them to marry all the virgins and take them as property.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Marriage is one way of “assuring” the paternity of a man’s children. Women know who made the kid (despite the daily message to the contrary on Maury Povich), but a man feels a little better about his child looking like one of the neighbors if he thinks his wife has been forced to be faithful.

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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