So, it’s that time of year again. No, I am not talking about summer or Disney vacations with the family. No, dear readers, the topic this month is one near and dear to my snarky heart: prom baby season!
Like the scent of Gold Bond in a fat man’s drawers, early summer can be counted on to bring its yearly onslaught of knocked-up teens. With barely a moment to think in between finals and sticks turning blue, what is a teen to do? There are so many questions to be asked, so few good, upstanding citizens to turn to for rational answers.
Well, fret no more, Spread ‘Em Sally: Your Auntie Ruby is here to help with all your important life questions. Please put down your iPhone and pay attention while I drop some reality your way, both fashion- and non-fashion-related.
What should I name my baby?
This is a very common and important question. You should not. Please allow a real grown-up to do this for you “” one who has not been incarcerated for crimes committed while huffing paint.
You want your pregnancy to look more like an accident and not a party favor, remember? Dress like you would for a parole hearing, and you should be fine.
The world has enough children named by stupid people as it is. The world does not need any more babies named after Kanye West, geographical locations that you cannot spell (Londyn, Endia, Parris), cars you can’t afford (Lexus, Porsche, Audi), or Twilight characters.
You cannot be trusted not to ruin a child’s entire life by saddling her with an awful, stupid, ridiculous name. This is a fact.
What is the correct ratio of Mountain Dew to powdered formula?
While I applaud your decision NOT to breastfeed and repeatedly pass on trace levels of methamphetamine to your infant, I must insist that you read labels on formulas and follow instructions to the letter without making any substitutions.
How do I stay fashionable while I expand like a condom used for making balloon animals instead of safe sex or filled with heroin and shoved up my baby daddy’s butt to smuggle to his brother in prison?
Now would be a good time to learn that your baby daddy’s camouflage hunting gear is not cute, flattering, or fashionable any more than oversized T-shirts, sweatpants, or T-shirts with Garfield on them. Pregnancy also is not a time to live in denial, thinking that you still have the same figure you had while you were cheerleading or stripping illegally at the Candlelight Inn.
Booty shorts, tube tops, cut-offs, or miniskirts are unbecoming of a mother to be. You want your pregnancy to look more like an accident and not a party favor, remember? Dress like you would for a parole hearing, and you should be fine.
How do I dress my child so that Social Services won’t be called that often?
I think this is one of the most important questions a new parent can ask. As a parent, one of your primary jobs is to protect your child from the ills of the world. That said, I have laid out some hard-limit rules by Auntie Ruby that are nonnegotiable:
- Children shall never be dressed in anything that has writing on the ass. It attracts pedophiles; end of story.
- Thou shalt not spray-tan your child, ever. Not even one time. Not even for church.
- Dressing your child like a Juggalo is child abuse. Period. If you take issue with this fact, then Social Services has most likely already opened a file on you.
- Duct tape is neither an accessory nor an approved child restraint.
- Tempting as it may be to try to get your money’s worth out of your bling, children should never be dressed or posed for photos covered in weed, cash, or gold jewelry.
- Your baby does not understand hate or politics. Dressing him as a Klan member for Halloween or making clothing for her promoting bigotry, racism, or sexism is not only inappropriate but will prove your stupidity, and stupid is something you really need to hide from the state when you have children.
- If Stephenie Meyer wrote about it, it has no business being on your baby.
- Save the glitter for art projects, not spraying onto your child. Body glitter is not allowed in kindergarten, I assure you.
- Just say no to Nickelback shirts.
- Wipe your child’s snotty, dirty face before taking him in public. Always. If your child is in public and looks as though his face was attacked by a gang of infected snails in a coal mine, get out a damn baby wipe and clean his face.
If you’re still confused as to what is and isn’t appropriate for your baby or child, simply turn on some cable TV. If the way your child is dressed reminds you of anyone on Toddlers and Tiaras, Lockup, or Dog the Bounty Hunter, then you’re doing parenting wrong.
If you’re still confused as to how to dress your baby after all of this advice, I have one last ace-in-the-hole tidbit that is sure to be a lifesaver: Try thinking long and deep about what you like, and dress your baby the opposite of that. It just may prevent your kid from strangling itself on its own wallet with chain.