I Want Chris Harrison’s Job

No matter how much you hate reality TV, you are bound to get sucked in from time to time. My wife is a very intelligent woman, but she watches Housewives, Mob Wives, and a few of the others because she loves to see confrontational people confront each other.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is really mild compared to most because the people are more normal and some of them actually fall for the guy or girl. However, this makes the show more boring, as well.

We’ll fast-forward through most of the dates and love sh””t to get to the drinking parties or crying scenes.

This season of The Bachelorette is pretty interesting to me because I went to high school with one of the guys, but other than that, I’m bored off of my ass. The Bachelorette, Emily, is about as interesting as carpet. She looks like a Barbie doll that never says or does anything controversial, like slam her plastic cooter into Ken’s androgynous fupa. She works with sick children and blah, blah, blah.

Get drunk and cry!!! I want to see you smoking broken cigarettes and talking to the camera like it’s a person. That’s what made Rock of Love so great.

I can see him with a lobster bisque stain on his shirt, asphyxiating himself in the closets of five-star hotels while Chinese hookers throw ninja stars at his naked ass. 

People, including myself, dis reality television because it’s mindless, but this is exactly why I think people like it. It’s like getting to follow around all the people you hate, second-guess everything they do, and yell obscenities at them with no consequences. My wife and I call it sitting on the couch of judgment.

And then there’s Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison, who I always get confused with Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC, has the best job in the universe. He travels all over the globe, eats like a king, and doesn’t do sh””t. I can see him with a lobster bisque stain on his shirt, asphyxiating himself in the closets of five-star hotels while Chinese hookers throw ninja stars at his naked ass.

The guys are having a few drinks, loosening up, and finally getting some alone time with ol’ “What’s Her Tits” and “¦ Ding, Ding, Ding!!! The nutless monkey comes stumbling out of f””king nowhere, bangs a knife on a champagne glass, and ends the fun.

“OK, guys, finish up your drinks “¦ yawn “¦ Sorry, I just had a nine-hour nap, so I’m a little groggy “¦ (incoherent mumbling) “¦ lobster bisque “¦ something, something, something, Rose Ceremony!”

Seriously, where the hell did he come from? They never show his entry point, because nobody ever knows where he is.

The camera crew is having a cigarette, and Harrison shimmies down the drainpipe.  “Anybody got a 20 on Harrison? “¦ Oh sh””t, he’s on the roof “¦ bushes “¦ Wait, he’s mobile again. And ACTION!”

He’s much better suited for Bachelor Pad. This show has real potential. They usually invite rejects from The Bachelorette and most of the controversial characters from previous seasons.

They scheme and form alliances to try to get others eliminated. The crazy chicks always fall in love with the guy who’s least interested and freak out. They try to get every chick that flirts with him eliminated.

“I thought we had an alliance that you wouldn’t make out with Holly anymore! Are you breaking our alliance?”

“No, Melissa. I’m just trying to get close to her so I can convince her to eliminate herself.”

“Oh, OK, that’s brilliant. I was gonna say “” I knew there was no way you’d screw me over like that. We should have a baby.”

Nutless Monkey just sits back and soaks up the cray-cray.

I checked out Monster earlier, and there weren’t any openings, but I’d be willing to do pretty much anything for that job. 

About Michael Atkinson

Michael is an angry little white man, shat into the world by a sarcastic God. He collects gas, debt, and disgusting animals.

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