Henry Wolf

Everyone knows that BMWs and huge pricks go together like peanut butter and jelly. That’s why we were shocked to learn a San Francisco man is suing BMW, claiming a four-hour ride on one of its motorcycles resulted in him having an erection for the past two years.

In a lawsuit filed in California Superior Court in April, 52-year-old Henry Wolf blames an after-market ridge-like seat mounted on his 1993 BMW bike for causing an acute case of priapism “” a persistent, lasting erection. Wolf claims both BMW and Corbin-Pacific, the seat’s manufacturer, are responsible for causing him emotional distress and “continuing problems” since the 2010 bike ride.

The suit says that Wolf “is now unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish,” and that he’s seeking damages for lost wages, personal injury, medical expenses, product liability, and negligent infliction of emotional distress.

[pullquote]A guy with a persistent Beemer boner says he’s NOT able to engage in sexual activity? Does this guy know that a stiffy is pretty much essential for a guy to engage in sexual activity?[/pullquote]

Wait just a minute. A guy with a persistent Beemer boner says he’s NOT able to engage in sexual activity? Does this guy know that a stiffy is pretty much essential for a guy to engage in sexual activity? In fact, does Wolf even know how sexual activity is supposed to work?

Regardless, Wolf alleges in court documents that several physicians told him his priapism was the result of his motorcycle ride. Good luck finding any legitimate medical professional to corroborate such a claim.

And besides, even if Wolf’s assertion that riding a BMW gave him an unrelenting woody is valid, what’s the big deal (aside from his fleshy kickstand)? Most guys his age who ride BMWs do so to compensate for their “inadequacies.” And according to Wolf’s lawsuit, it sounds like the compensation in his case simply manifested itself a bit more literally than usual.

In any case, Wolf’s attorney, Vernon Bradley, said Wolf has been forced to “reconfigure his clothing” and has had difficulty going to the bathroom because of the erection.

Well, you don’t need to be a lawyer, doctor, or rocket scientist to figure out how to solve that problem. Any 16-year-old boy with a dependable internet connection knows how to get rid of a raging hard-on.

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