Last month, “Balls” gave you the Top 200 Moments in Louisiana Sports History in celebration of the state’s first-ever bicentennial. Unfortunately, press limitations forced us to omit 186 entries, all of which are listed below:
Editor’s note: Due to press limitations, 172 of the other 186 Top 200 Moments in Louisiana Sports History had to be omitted. The columnist has been suspended with pay.
October 1859 “” James Christopher Driskill ascends and establishes Louisiana’s Everest, unintentionally becoming the greatest mountain climber in Louisiana history. At 535 feet above sea level, Driskill Mountain today is arguably one of Bienville Parish’s four or five most popular things for Boy Scouts to climb.
October 3, 1951 “” The single heard ’round the world. In order for Bobby Thompson to hit a three-run homer in the bottom of the ninth to win the New York baseball Giants their first pennant in 14 years, former LSU and SLI (now ULL) shortstop and football standout Alvin Dark had to start the rally with a single to left. Dark’s role in such a memorable sports moment lives on in the form of the name of a street in Tigerland, a street where many a skank’s virginity lies dead.
At 535 feet above sea level, Driskill Mountain today is arguably one of Bienville Parish’s four or five most popular things for Boy Scouts to climb.
February 20, 1965 “” Purple Knights 81, Blue Jays 59. St. Augustine’s basketball team was 30-0; Jesuit was 29-1. Politics of the time prevented them from playing, however: The then-all-white Louisiana High School Athletic Association and all-black Louisiana Interscholastic Athletic and Literary Organization never pitted their teams against one another “” even when they were located in the same archdiocese. The schools held a semiprivate, unofficial, historic scrimmage at Jesuit’s gym on a Saturday night that was portrayed in the 1999 made-for-TV film Passing Glory, which made America think, “You mean there was a time when people thought that black people sucked at basketball?”
November 8, 1970 “” Dempsey’s 63-yarder. Saints kicker Tom Dempsey kicked a game-winning field goal with half a right foot to beat Detroit in Tulane Stadium 33 years before John Carney missed a game-tying extra point with “” get this “” an entire right foot to lose to Jacksonville. Dempsey’s field goal is the longest field goal in NFL history, a record shared by three men. Three men “” or as Annabelle Chong refers to it, a date.
February 25, 1977 “” Pistol Pete comes within one point of giving the following sentence a PG-13 rating. Pete Maravich scored 68 points in the Superdome as his Jazz beat the Knicks, 124-107.
August 1983 “” Karl Malone robs the cradle blind. The result of said robbery, Demetress Bell, is currently an offensive tackle for the Philadelphia Eagles.
August 1988 “” Suzuki’s Great Outdoors premieres. I defy you to tell me anything less than awesome about Bert Jones hosting a Saturday morning hunting show on ESPN back when ESPN hadn’t yet done to sports what MTV did to music. Outdoors was to other shows what meme Chuck Norris is to real Chuck Norris. The show might as well have been called Ted Nugent Is a Giant Pussy. And the Nuge would have had no choice but to just take it.
November 12, 1996 “” The Best of Shaquille O’Neal is released. Because used to be, you’d have to carry around both your Shaq tapes, but now you have the five or six best songs from each one on one even better tape. You know, it’s a good thing Shaquille O’Neal met Dale Brown on that army base in Germany in 1984, or else he probably wouldn’t have made any rap albums.
June 17, 2000 “” The Advocate runs out of words. In 1991, it was “CHAMPIONS!” In 1993, “AGAIN!” In 1996, “AND AGAIN!” A year later, “DYNASTY!” And then in 2000, the famed Baton Rouge not-gay-magazine-but-daily-periodical’s sports department had roughly six hours between Brad Cresse’s liner to left and press time, yet all they came up with was, “AMAZING!” That’s like naming Led Zeppelin II‘s follow-up album Led Zeppelin III, except with less effort.
April 1, 2002 “” Kitaen floors Finley in the 1st. Whitesnake chick, 1, West Monroe native and Anaheim lefty Chuck Finley, 0.
August 4, 2003, 9:00 a.m. CDT “” The Football Network launches.
August 4, 2003, 9:03 a.m. CDT “” The Football Network ceases operations.
September 2004 “” Uncle Earl’s Hog Dog Trials survive. As Louisiana followed the trend of states officially banning dog-baiting, a group of legislators led by B.B. “Sixty” Rayburn successfully earmarked the ban’s bill with an exception provided for Uncle Earl’s Hog Dog Trials, an annual event in Winnfield, home of former governor and lifelong boar hunter Earl Long. Four years later, Michael Vick aksed, “Man, why I’m in jail?” This tradition “” a true Louisiana treasure “” is the only event that features dog-baiting legally.
February 12, 2013 “” Lamar, a Catahoula Cur from Vidalia, wins Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show after mauling 24 Pekingese and a Rottweiler. This writer can predict the future.