Please allow me to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States. This is a decision that I have not reached without many months of introspection and thorough soul-searching, in pursuit of an answer to this important question: “What jobs are available that are not only financially rewarding but also require the innate ability and skills necessary to delegate all the real work to other people?” Time and time again, I’ve arrived at the same answer “” the presidency.
Some of you may recall that I ran for president in 2008. Rarely (OK, never) was I mentioned during that campaign as a viable presidential candidate. I attribute this intentional oversight to the liberal news media’s biased coverage against any candidate who, in their opinion, mentally speaking, “ain’t right.”
When I first threw my hat in the ring in 2005, someone picked it up and brought it back to me. So, I threw it out again, and someone else picked it up and brought it back to me again, and so on. That pretty much sums up how the 2008 campaign went.
“¦now the time is finally right, now that the “wannabes” have been eliminated from the race. Now it’s just me, Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, and Buddy Roemer.
In hindsight, I can clearly see I made the rookie mistake that all seasoned political strategists caution against: declaring my candidacy too early. My campaign “peaked” sometime in mid-2006 when my wife agreed to vote for me, but only if I assumed more responsibility for household chores such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the wash. By 2007, my campaign began to lose inertia, as demonstrated by an independent poll that showed my wife was “somewhat dissatisfied” with my performance as a housekeeper and was “undecided” about voting for me.
But I feel now the time is finally right, now that the “wannabes” have been eliminated from the race. Now it’s just me, Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, and Buddy Roemer.
I want to assure you, the American people, that during this campaign, I will concentrate on the issues and will refrain from personal attacks on my opponents.
Let’s start with a frank discussion on where Mr. Roemer stands on the issues. Based on my personal observations, he stands about 5’5″. I’m telling you, that’s just too short to be president.
There will be no mud-slinging in this campaign (at least insofar as my opponents are concerned) because I intend to take the “mud” right out of their dirty little hands before it can be slung. I am issuing the following press release to kick off my campaign, containing a full and complete disclosure of my personal and public life in a question-and-answer format:
Question: Is it true that you once wrote a column devoted entirely to the “F” word?
Answer: I think, uh “¦ I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Question: Did you also write a column in which the word “sh””t” appeared 18 times?
Answer: I don’t recall the exact number.
Question: What plan do you have to reduce our dependence on foreign oil?
Answer: There is, in fact, no “energy crisis.” There are vast reservoirs of oil that still exist, and we have the technology to extract that oil. I propose using a drilling method, long used in the oil business, known as “directional drilling.” This is a method where an oil well is drilled, at an angle, on one tract of land, to reach oil located underneath another tract of land. In this way, oil wells drilled on U.S. soil could drain vast reservoirs of oil located under countries such as Iran and Saudi Arabia.
Question: Are you a womanizing, power-hungry, bottom-feeding, dirty, filthy hypocrite, whose sole purpose in seeking this office is to benefit you and your friends financially?
Answer: I have no friends.
Question: Did you serve your country honorably in Vietnam?
Answer: No, but I did attend several “General Admission Only” rock concerts in the early ’70s where I felt my life was in danger.
Question: Do you plan to raise taxes to help reduce the increasingly swollen deficit?
Answer: As President Richard M. Nixon used to say, “Let me say this about that.” I plan to reduce the deficit by selling the naming rights to various federal landmarks and institutions to American corporations. For example, the Lincoln Room in the White House will soon be known as the KFC/Taco Bell Room, and Pepsi will be the official drink of the 2013 Congress.
Question: During the course of this campaign, you will be asked a lot of hard-hitting questions that will determine your success or failure. In John McCain’s 2008 campaign, that question was, “How many homes do you have?” What is the single question that you personally fear the most?”
Answer: That question would have to be, without a doubt: “Mr. Landry, how many neckties do you have?” I fear this question because I have saved every single tie I’ve purchased since high school, and I honestly don’t know how many ties I have, although I know it’s a lot more than four.