May 2012 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

We’ll be totally honest with you: This month’s crop of potential BACS contestants was pretty damn weak, at least by typical Baton Rouge drunk-driving standards. Hell, there wasn’t even a single 4th-offense DWI charge racked up, for crying out loud!

With such paltry pickings at our disposal, perhaps it’s only appropriate that May’s honorable mention be a D-list celebrity with a waning acting career.

Former child star Amanda Bynes was reportedly arrested last month after committing drunk driving’s cardinal sin: hitting a police car.

According to a statement by Lt. William Nash, of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Office, the 26-year-old Bynes was taken into custody around 3 a.m. April 6 after her black BMW struck the right rear quarter panel of a sheriff’s patrol car that was stopped at an intersection. The former star of Nickelodeon’s sketch comedy series All That apparently tried to pass to the right of the police cruiser as the sheriff’s deputy was preparing to turn right.

Derrick’s drinking buddies call him TSA because he tends to get quite gropey.

While no one was injured, “There was minor paint transfer damage to both vehicles,” Nash said. “Bynes was subsequently arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol and booked at West Hollywood Sheriff’s Station.”

Days later, Bynes’ father Rick predictably came to Amanda’s defense by telling People “She was not drunk” and “My daughter doesn’t drink.”

With overly protective and enabling parents like that, it’s little wonder so many child stars grow up with so remarkably few f””ks to give about personal responsibility.

Then again, maybe he was right. Maybe she wasn’t drunk. Maybe she’s just a really sh””tty driver, because less than a week later, a photographer snapped a shot of Bynes behind the wheel of her now infamous black BMW, apparently texting on her iPhone while backing over a curb.

The photographer reportedly also said the What I Like About You star was “not even looking at the road,” adding that Bynes “went right through a stop sign.”

And as if she hadn’t already thoroughly convinced the rest of us to get the hell out of her way, Bynes managed to once again draw attention to her atrocious driving skills only a couple days later on April 15 by making an excruciatingly slow three-point turn into the driveway of a high-end West Hollywood restaurant.

“It was taking forever and she finally made it into the driveway,” reported one eyewitness to Bynes’ latest driving debacle. “She looked wobbly “” I guess it could have been the heels since she was wearing sky-high nude pumps, but she did seem out of it.”

You’re damn right it was the heels and not intoxication! After all, Rick Bynes’ daughter “doesn’t drink,” especially when she attends a vodka-sponsored party at the Coachella Music Festival just a week after being arrested on suspicion of DUI.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from March 26 “” April 22, 2012.

10. Alfredo C., 35, 1st-offense DWI, driver’s license not in possession, drinking in motor vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, and insurance required.
Alfredo got sauced. Yeah, we said it.

9. Derrick J., 34, 1st-offense DWI, following too close, driver’s license required, tail lamps required, reckless operation of a vehicle, stopping/parking/standing upon a highway shoulder, and proof of insurance required.
When someone resides on a thoroughfare called Billy Goat Road in Wilson, LA (as Derrick does), it shouldn’t surprise anyone that he’d have difficulty obeying even basic highway laws, especially after enjoying a little moonshine.

8. Clifton B., 36, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, hit and run, insurance required, driving with a suspended/revoked license, resisting an officer, and simple criminal damage to property.
In his BACS debut, Clifton’s made a bigger splash than that time he dropped an unopened 40-oz bottle of Olde English 800 on the sidewalk.

7. Keiana J., 29, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of marijuana, one-way roadways, resisting an officer, and disobeying a red light.
Keiana failed to notice one-way signs and a red light? Plus she had weed on her? Poor girl must have glaucoma.

6. Derrick J., 44, 3rd-offense DWI, littering, and driving with a suspended/revoked license.
Derrick’s drinking buddies call him TSA because he tends to get quite gropey.

5. Justin T., 30, 3rd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and driver’s license not on person.
A night of drinking with Justin typically kills more brain cells than every episode of every Kardashian-related TV show combined.

4. Curtis A., 55, 3rd-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, entering/remaining after forbidden, resisting an officer, and possession of alcohol in a vehicle.
While some fathers were observing Bring Your Child to Work Day last month, Curtis was observing Call Your Kids to Bail Daddy Out of Jail Day.

3. George B., 53, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, intimidating the public, and operating a vehicle while driver’s license suspended for prior offense.
If NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell were George’s trial judge, he’d likely mete out the same punishment he did for the Saints and take away several draft picks. George loves beer, but only on tap.

2. Evan S., 21, 3rd-offense DWI, drinking in a motor vehicle, failure to signal, speeding, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Evan : His liver :: Chris Brown : Rhianna “” Evan regularly abuses the crap out of his liver, yet it refuses to leave him.

1. Ryan H., 20, 3rd-offense DWI, headlights required, and reckless driving.
Ryan’s friends call him Nemo because he drinks like a fish and a night out with him usually ends with them wondering where the hell he is.

Congratulations, Ryan. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply cut it out from the opposite page. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

About Editorial Staff

A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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