Lord Boner of Titicaca

If you are into HBO’s Game of Thrones, you probably fall into one of three categories of fans.

The first group includes people who haven’t read a book since Bobby Hebert was a quarterback. They can’t wait for all of the British people to stop talking and show their tits. They tell their friends that it’s based on a true story, and they think a period piece is a fetish film.

HBO, Starz, and the others have figured out that two androgynous boys talking about dragons can be interesting to anyone if two hot girls are finger-blasting each other in the background. It’s made me uncomfortable at times, and that’s damn near impossible.

The second group includes people like me. I love to read, but you have to keep me intrigued. George R.R. Martin (an a””hole of a name) has created some great characters that I will truly miss when I finish the books.

I am on the third one now, and while I am hooked, these books are long as sh””t. I have a Kindle now, and it silently laughs at me when I click through pages for hours only to find that I’ve only finished 8% of the book.

I’ve seen your picture, and you better take it easy on the bangers and mash, Chubs. I bet your beard smells like quail and bleu cheese crumbles.

If you’re thinking that I’m a slow reader, I promise that I burn through certain types of books. I like short chapters, even if it’s a long book. This way, I feel like I’m getting somewhere, which is very important to a lazy person with ADD.

Where Martin loses me is with his attention to detail. Sometimes, he’ll spend the first three pages describing the cloaks, crowns, and breastplates of the characters.

I have to get up at 6:30 a.m., and I just don’t give a f””k, George. I’ve seen your picture, and you better take it easy on the bangers and mash, Chubs. I bet your beard smells like quail and bleu cheese crumbles.

Martin is damn creative, though. The story will take you on an unpredictable journey, full of war, sex, and a unique brand of the undead. This season, I can’t wait to see how HBO creates the acid trip that is the Palace of Dust. And if you haven’t read the third book yet, I have three words for you: zombie polar bear. Nerd boner!

That brings me to the third group of “Gamers.” These people take fantasy way too seriously. They believe that their mom’s basement is a portal to the underworld that they’ve been ordered to guard by Melisandre herself.

ValyrianSteel.com is not helping the situation. This website gives nerds a chance to buy replicas of the weapons used by the main characters in Game of Thrones. Great! Let’s skip to the comments, shall we?

 

James says: “I love this sword. Let Winter come, I’m now ready.”

Super, James. While you’re at it, try not to pierce your sack.

 

“Sharpened, it will be death in hand,” said Peter about his replica of “Ice.”

Your pet iguana is not a dragon, Peter. Just remember that. If you cut the cord on his heat rock, he will freeze his little green ass off and turn into beef jerky.

 

One guy titled his post “Winter has Comed.”

 

Another gentleman recommended bringing “Longclaw” into the bathroom with you for a hot, steamy shower. He said the steam will tighten up the leather on the handle. I bet it will.

 

Take a moment to visit this site. You’ll either be bored, laugh your ass off, or buy something. It all depends on what type of “Gamer” you are. Please find me on “the Facebook” and share your experience. 

About Michael Atkinson

Michael Atkinson
Michael is an angry little white man, shat into the world by a sarcastic God. He collects gas, debt, and disgusting animals.

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