No matter how many vitamins you take, how many condoms or diaphragms you buy, or how selective you are with the people you keep company with, one thing is for certain. At some point in your life, no matter how careful you are or how much you try to live a clean life and protect yourself from communicable diseases, you will get Fashion Syphilis.
What is Fashion Syphilis, you ask? Well, let Dr. Ruby explain. You know that sensation you get in your eyes or that queasy, nauseous feeling you get in your stomach when you see someone publicly dressed in an offensive, inappropriate, or alarming manner? That is Fashion Syphilis. Try as you might to avoid the effects, the infected party manages to spread sickness to all that witness her disease.
Consider this scenario: You are in a bar, minding your own business with your friends and a few pitchers of Guinness. You’re having a good time, things are going great, and you’ve gotten a nice little buzz on and have your mack on with a cute little nerdy girl who is digging your Doctor Who shirt and Klingon tattoo. All of a sudden, the room gets quiet when a group of girls walk in the door wearing “¦ GYM SHORTS.
The idea that a racerback bra a size too small under a wife beater two sizes too small is hot is about as logical as meatloaf made entirely out of rubber bands.
Your eyes water. Your nose turns up. Your fashion snob button has been activated. Your throat and vocal cords take on a mind of their own and, without your expressed intent, utter the phrase “What the F–K?” in such simultaneous unison with your best friend that you two could be mistaken for synchronized swimmers.
See, like other articles of clothing such as hunting jackets, wedding dresses, and hazmat suits, gym shorts are an event-/location-specific type of attire. You wouldn’t wear your hunting jacket to a job interview at a bank any more than you would wear a tuxedo to clean a toilet or a tutu to go noodling. No, dear friends, as with aprons, construction hats, and nipple clamps, there are limitations as to when and where gym shorts are appropriate to wear. A bar, a baby shower, and church are just such places outside those boundaries.
Here’s my main beef with them in a nutshell. People who wear gym shorts in public are affected by one of two major issues (if not both):
1. the delusion that gym shorts are in any way, shape, or form sexy or attractive; and/or
2. the belief that they have a figure remotely in shape enough for any human being to ever think that they in fact have ever stepped foot into a gym.
Now, I am not choosing any one body type to chastise by any means. Gym shorts are an equal-opportunity hater experience. I no sooner want to see your gangling, skinny, french-fry legs coming out of them than I do your fat friend’s cottage-cheese thighs.
Let’s face it: Whether your legs are so white and ashy they look like they belong on the chalkboard ledge of an elementary classroom or there are pockets of cellulite so deep you could do JÃ¤ger Bombs out of them makes no matter to me. I hate you both equally and want you both to stop bending over in front of me. I don’t care what color your panties are, I don’t care to see if you’ve missed a wax, and I most certainly don’t want to find out the answer to “tampon or pads” about you as I am trying to knock back a Jack and Coke.
I’m not trying to sound like a bitch here, but if you’re dressed like you should be Sweating to the Oldies, what you’re doing on the dance floor is not “dropping it like it’s hot”; you’re “dropping it like it’s NOT,” and that’s truth you can take to church.
While I am on the subject of gym shorts, let’s not leave out the Clothing Chlamydia that is the sport bra/tank top combo. By no means do I, or any other self-respecting bar patrons taking body shots off a dude dressed like Elvis, want to see your bra straps hanging out of your tank top.
The idea that a racerback bra a size too small under a wife beater two sizes too small is hot is about as logical as meatloaf made entirely out of rubber bands. Sure, it will make your meat stretch out, but it ain’t gonna give anyone a chubby anytime soon, and it’s bound to make you sick to your stomach if you experience too much of it.
Look, don’t shoot the messenger here. I am here to try to help you look at all sides of the equation and help you understand how your clothing choices may be perceived by the people who inhabit the world around you.
You wanna wear gym shorts while you go for a run in the park: fine. You wanna wear gym shorts at BK while you’re ordering a Quad Stacker with extra bacon and large fries as your leg fat jiggles when the A/C kicks up a degree: not fine. You wanna wear gym shorts while you mow the grass: fine. You wanna wear gym shorts out to the salon to get your grass waxed: not fine.
All it takes to prevent an outbreak of Fashion Syphilis is a healthy dose of reality chased down with a jigger of common sense and a twist of perspective. A little thought before you leave the house can save lives and lunches and prevent someone from having to make a phone call to pull valuable CDC* agents away from important Jersey Shore detail and make them late for stakeout shifts at Abercrombie & Fitch.
* CDC = Center for Douche bag Control