Everything Newsy Lately in Music Is From the ’90s

Aha! Caught ya! You thought you could just overlook the whole fact that you once wore Z. Cavariccis (to homecoming!) and Zumba pants[1] and had a Rob Van Winkle hair phase! That you had, like, eleventy hundred slap bracelets and a spiral perm, and you religiously watched Saved by the Bell! And that you totally cried when that stupid fartface Ray pushed Donna down a staircase on 90210![2]

Well, you can’t overlook it now, because history is repeating itself. Repeating itself. Repeating itself. So it seems when so many of our favorite (and, perhaps, forgotten) musical heroes from the ’90s are making news as of late.

First we have the tiny, yet fierce, Fiona Apple. She has launched her first single in seven years, called “Fiona Apple’s First Single in Seven Years” (sorry, had to fire my research assistant), off her upcoming new album, aptly named Fiona Apple Is World Famous for Remaking a Beatles Song and Having Notoriously Long and Obnoxious Album Titles, for Which She Should Be, as Punishment, Tied to Her Piano While Elton John Repeatedly Sings the Princess Di Version of “˜Candle in the Wind’ to Her.

I would listen to the song and review it for you, except for the fact that I am afraid that if I do, I might start hating men, and the menfolk surely should not be subjected to that.

I find Brian McKnight singing about such matters disturbing on the approximate level of Michael Jackson mixing Jesus juice for the Vienna Boys Choir.

Your second ’90s cameo is from the usually squeaky-clean Brian McKnight. Remember him? The “Back at One” guy? The dude who was always in a white sweater, from what I can remember[3]?

The multiplatinum-selling R&B singer, producer, and sometime Celebrity Apprentice just released a song about “” well, how do you say it? ah, yes “” USSY Pay. Actually, he sings about EMALE Fay JACULATION E-ay. (Did I do that right?)

I find Brian McKnight singing about such matters disturbing on the approximate level of Michael Jackson mixing Jesus juice for the Vienna Boys Choir. In my heart, I know that guys think of such things, but really, my head doesn’t want to hear about them. Ever. I’d rather hear a whole Bon Iver set, with two encores. (Did you think I could not sneak a Bon Iver jab in this time? Pssssh. Now you know.)

Although it was not a phenomenon unique to the ’90s, the decade did produce quite a few boy bands. Had enough Bieber Fever? (Yes, thank you!) Well, rest assured, boy bands are back like Backstreet, alright!

Right now, it’s all Jets vs. Sharks with The Wanted and One Direction, which are the two biggest boy bands right now.[4] For research purposes, I listened to both bands, who I believe are both British, because I am prejudiced about new boy bands. Also, they both suck.

Do I have to choose one? OK. I pick NKOTB, because 24 years later, I still plan to marry Jordan Knight. And by the way, that was the WORST YouTube.com experience I’ve had since girls discovered cups.

Did you like grunge in the ’90s? This band was much more emo than grunge, but they got lumped in with the so-called alternative/grunge bands of the ’90s. Their 1993 album Siamese Dream is one of my favorites of all time.

The Smashing Pumpkins, also known as Billy Corgan’s Ego, are releasing a new album this summer, supposedly around June. It’s probably their most anticipated album since we stopped anticipating their albums in about 1995. So there’s that.

In the words of Peter Allen, quite the quotable guy, “Everything old is new again.” It seems so, Mr. Allen. And in the words of George Santayana, “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Well said, Mr. Santayana.

A final quote, too, should be shared from the wonderful Mr. Brian McKnight, which I think well sums up my entire point: “They don’t know what a tongue is for. They wine you and dine you. You let them untie you.”

That’s the news, and I am outta here.



[1] Did you freaking know that they STILL make Zumbas?!?! In 2012?!!?

[2] My defense: I had PMS.

[3] If memory serves, I drank a lot in the ’90s, too.

[4] In sales, not girth. The Tiders, an all-David Lee Roth-era Van Halen cover band from Tuscaloosa, AL, is now on record as the fattest boy band on Earth.

About Stephanie Landry

Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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