Wedding Edition

Before you know it, wedding season will be upon us, and for those of you out there who are newly engaged or thinking about becoming so, take some advice from a newlywed and start your wedding planning now. Like NOW now, as in “the stick just turned blue” or “I think I may get deported” or “damn, my boyfriend’s physician co-pays are way cheaper than my insurance and they cover breast augmentation” now.

I don’t really care what you decide to eat or what your musical preferences are. All that is subject to personal tastes and cultural or religious preferences, and really, none of that is relevant whatsoever to why I am mediating this pre-intervention for you. What I am here to talk to you specifically about is your wedding attire.

No one is going to remember that you served French onion soup made out of Wonder bread, Funyuns, and spray cheese out of a Crock-Pot. (Fact: I invented this, and it is delish!) No one is going to remember the Kool & The Gang cover band that played “Juicy Gotcha Krazy” as you walked down the aisle. (OK, maybe someone will remember that.) My point is that, unless your uncle is also your dad and brother, you’re not going to have photos of that strategically placed on the mantel or next to your gun rack. You’re going to have pictures of “the dress.”

No one is going to remember the Kool & The Gang cover band that played “Juicy Gotcha Krazy” as you walked down the aisle.

Ah, the dress. No single article of clothing in a woman’s life is more important than her wedding dress. Not her christening gown, her prom dress, or her parole hearing suit. The wedding dress is the be-all and end-all of important things to wear. From childhood, little girls dream of looking like a fairy-tale princess in their wedding dress. Countless hours are spent over the years going back and forth on the details of said dress, all with the idea that “it has to be perfect.”

Of course, perfect is a subjective term. What is perfect for you may not be perfect for other people. I understand that greatly. Because I love nothing more than to help other people (well, that and Pop Rocks “” I freaking love Pop Rocks), I will share some pointers that will help you decide what is right for you and give you some insight as to how your selection of attire may be perceived by others.

Consider hemlines: Not everyone attending your wedding will appreciate the cathedral-length train that will accompany your miniskirt-in-the-front custom dress. In other words, if your dress screams party in the front and business in the back, DON’T WEAR IT. You do not want to be remembered as the woman with the mullet dress at her wedding.

Think about color: There is nothing wrong with wearing a color that is less than traditional. Not every woman finds white appropriate, nor is white appropriate for every woman (i.e., my cousin’s best friend who was 33 and had 10 kids by eight different guys “” heifer, please). However, please refrain from getting too kitschy with your color scheme. I promise you now that someday, if you have children who not only know how to read but like to, they will pick on you and pick on you hard for the fact that you wore a neon orange dress to go with your husband’s camouflage tuxedo, or God forbid, vice versa.

Be aware of your body type: Look, I’m going to put this bluntly. If you weigh 102 pounds soaking wet, you’re going to look like an idiot in a dress that is four feet wide and 88 pounds of tulle, lace, and satin. You’re essentially going to look like some creepy doll on your crazy aunt’s doll shelf, or worse yet, one of those crocheted toilet paper cozies with the doll in the middle that your grandmother kept on the back of the commode. You probably will pass out, too, after your body burns too many calories trying to lug it around and your blood sugar plummets. You might even die.

Don’t die from wearing a ridiculously ostentatious dress. I will visit your grave and eat Pop Rocks and make fun of you.

Likewise, if you’re a hefty gal, be aware of what is flattering to your form. No one wants to see a 367-pound woman stuff herself into a dress made for a flat-chested waif. What looks good on a size 2 is rarely if ever appropriate for a 22 and damn near never for a size 32.

While quality boning and corseting may help cinch in your waist for a more hourglass silhouette, bear in mind that not only must you still be able to breathe (and be able to indulge in the all-you-can-eat chicken wing buffet you’re having catered), but you must not instill fear in your guests that one breath too deep and the back of your dress is going to pop like a can of biscuits.

Make your accessories work for you, not against you: If there is one thing I cannot stress to you enough, it is to use moderation when accessorizing. This may be the hardest part to teach you, dear readers. The fact of the matter is that some women just can’t get beyond the concept that bigger isn’t always better and more is not always classier than less. Also, let’s face it: Some women are just tacky.

Pins, brooches, fascinators, veils, sparkly belts “¦ these are all fine in concept. However, feathered headgear that makes you look like you just stepped off a Zulu Mardi Gras float or brooches larger than one of your breasts are a no-no.

There is no reason why and no circumstance whatsoever when any part of any wedding dress should light up. Not your dress, not your shoes, not your earrings, not your veil.

Speaking of veils, please keep in mind the concept of moderation. No bride should look like she took a tumble in a mosquito net, nor should she look like Casper the slutty ghost tried to eat her head.

Also, while a pop of sparkle may add some pizzazz, a blinged-out belt to rival a WWE heavyweight championship belt should be deemed out of the question, and with that I must add that nothing regarding your outfit should spin. Nothing. Think before you bling, ladies, because regardless of what the favored sporting events are in your personal life, I can promise you that you do not want John Cena to appear in your wedding photos trying to body-slam you in your Christian Dior gown to recapture his title.

I guess what I am really trying to say is that, before you say yes to the dress, if you keep in the back of your mind “What would the girls on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding do?” and do the complete opposite, then you should be OK.

That said, if anyone out there knows of any weddings where there are camouflage wedding dresses that light up and lace up the back, don’t forget to send me an invite. I can tear up some chicken wings.

About Ruby42

Ruby42 is an artist / poet / comedian / writer / pornographer / baker of boozy bacon cakes and thinks it sucks to be you.

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