Titanic “” in 3-D

If you’re anything like me, when you first heard that Titanic was coming out in 3-D, you said to yourself, “GODDAMMIT!” and punched a baby in the mouth.

OK, maybe it was not that severe, but holy cow moley, I can only fall at God’s feet and pray for understanding at the WTF-ness of it all.

I mean, seriously, Hollywood: Are we gonna have to hear THAT song again and again and again “¦ AGAIN? For the love of Pete (whoever the hell he is!), Titanic came out 15 YEARS AGO!!

The year was 1997. How long ago was that? Cast your mind back to these other fun events of 1997:

  • Scientists revealed that they had made the first successful clone: a sheep named Dolly.
  • “Denno Senshi Porygon” “” an episode of the children’s TV show Pokemon “” gave seizures to children the world over.
  • The unsinkable RMS Titanic, which sank for the first time in the northern Atlantic Ocean on April 15, 1912, sank about 50 million MORE mothaf””king times at cinemas around the globe!!!
[pullquote]My favorite special effect in the film is Winslet’s topless scene, which nicely supplied two of the three Ds. Bravo, miss! You were robbed at the Oscars.[/pullquote]

This film will not die. The film’s box office receipts were carried aloft by young preteens who had squishy, girly feelings for the new, hot star Leonardo DiCaprio. Each weekend they would come and cry their hearts out, hoping he would not once again turn into a Leosicle and die.

Apparently, none of the Tiger Beat-reading moviegoers realized she actually HELPED KILL Leo each time she watched the film. Why is that? Because I personally believe that the Titanic might have been taking on water at a dangerous rate, but it was certainly sped up by the millions of wet panties Leo launched from the ship’s dock each time it set sail.

Also, it annoys me that the 3-D here is actually quite good. The effects “” top-notch when we saw it so long ago “” are much more impressive this time around. Each ice break, every scream, every wave brings you almost right there on the ship with the characters. It’s a chilling effect.

BUT “” remember that 1997 not only brought you Titanic but also the song “MMMBop”! For every victory in this world, there are some massive tragedies, as well.

You see, special effects may bring you right into the center of the action, but that means that you feel that you are living in that VAPID, VAPID SCRIPT along with Leo and Kate Winslet. Therefore, you feel like slapping one of the characters every time you hear: “They’ve got you trapped, Rose. And you’re gonna die if you don’t break free.” You expect a small sign reading “FORESHADOWING” to drop into the scene. And there is loads of this dialog.

But even worse, what was this movie’s premise again? A hot, aristocratic girl goes on an ocean liner with her incredibly rich and devilishly handsome fiancé and decides to give up her life of luxury because broke-ass Leo D. can draw racy pictures of French whores and can tell her the answer to age-old question, “What IS eating Gilbert Grape?”

SURVEY SAYS: BULLSH””T!!!!

So, the lowdown is you will enjoy the scenes where no one is required to emote in any fashion. The acting is more painful this time, as it’s in 3-D and looks like it’s coming right at you!

My favorite special effect in the film is Winslet’s topless scene, which nicely supplied two of the three Ds. Bravo, miss! You were robbed at the Oscars.

I tend to enjoy most of Miss Winslet’s work. Most of it has one element in common “” I’ll let you work out the answer to that for yourselves. However, while I enjoyed the character of Rose, the end of the film ruined her for me.

What did she say to Jack at the end? “I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.” Then as Jack dies next to her (looking like he had an audition for Blue Man Group later that night), SHE LET GO!!! I bet she told Billy Zane she would always be faithful when he asked her to marry him!

It was at that point I prayed she’d drown. That would have been the best possible ending: Rose drowns, Jack comes back to zombiefied life, and the entire ship rises up and docks in New York just like it was foretold in Ghostbusters II.

Jack put that bitch on a floating door and sacrificed his life for that necklace-stealing bimbo, and she couldn’t help a boy out and hold on to his arm until they found her? Even if the rest of his body snapped off, she could have kept THAT to bury!

The movie should have ended with her flinging Leo’s ARM into the ocean, not with her throwing the necklace overboard in the biggest example of B.S. ever filmed on camera.

So go on! Go see this damn move AGAIN! Give James Cameron MORE money. Let Celine Dion have a hit with “My Heart Will Go On” AGAIN.

I personally will not see it again. I will instead try and keep 1997 pure in my mind as the year Mother Teresa died. And as is only fitting, I will sing “MMMBop” as I remember her!

About K.B. Tokin

K.B. Tokin will write for gas money! Find out what else he’ll do. Just drop us a line and we'll get it to him via his forwarding address du jour.

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