That’s How I Troll!

“Troll” is currently a popular term in internet comment sections. It’s used to describe negative buttholes who skim through articles for the sole purpose of leaving wretched, sometimes completely irrelevant, comments. They are warts on the cock of humanity.

Since everyone sucks, it can be hard to tell the difference between trolls and regular people. If you call a troll by his name, he/she/it will become very defensive, exposing its sensitive exoskeleton. I’ve named a few for your convenience.

The Grammar Trolls: They will point out every typo, misspelling, and missed punctuation mark. Although it’s usually easy to tell if someone is ignorant or if he was just typing too fast and forgot to proofread, grammar trolls will lump them all in the same category. When their arguments start to falter, which they do often because most of their arguments are built on emotion, you better not mess up and press “send” prematurely. If you make one mistake, these trolls can cancel out your Ivy League education with one sarcastic post pointing out the comma you missed. One false move and they win the internet!

There is absolutely no difference to them between “there” and “their,” and if you tried to explain “they’re” to them, their computers would explode.

The Victim Troll: This whiney puss is praying that he can push enough buttons for you to get involved in the conversation. The moment you show any passion or emotion, he will call you aggressive, tell you to settle down, and try to act like he wasn’t baiting you into exploding. Don’t back down. Smash him into oblivion.

The Thumbs-Down Troll: Words of wisdom in a stressful time? THUMBS DOWN! Condolences for the family of the deceased? THUMBS DOWN! These trolls hate everything so much that they even hate commenting about the things they hate. Luckily, there is a thumbs-down button that they can click at warp speed as they try to eliminate all positive energy.

Cave Troll: This is the archenemy of the grammar troll. These e-tough guys are pretty sure they can beat you up, even though they’ve never seen you and never will. There is absolutely no difference to them between “there” and “their,” and if you tried to explain “they’re” to them, their computers would explode. If you call them stupid, they will spew dominant male monkey gibberish all over you. Plurals, contractions, coherent f””king thought? These things just don’t need to exist when you can beat everyone up electronically.

Some of my friends will go trolling for fun, but they mostly just troll other trolls.

I wanted to give it a try. Maybe I’d call dolphins sluts because they bang for pleasure and get a rise out of some stanky vegan.

I just couldn’t be a dick to nice people. The story below is the closest I could get.

My fellow writer, Sunny Weathers, posted the video of “One More Try” by Timmy T from 1991. I looked up the official video on YouTube and checked out the comments.

A nice young man said that if he received 20 “Likes,” he would sing this song to the girl he loved. He also said that the girl had a boyfriend already.

Here is my response:

“Dude, let me give you some advice. Singing to her will have the exact opposite effect that you are looking for, unless you are hoping for the following to happen: She will sit uncomfortably while you finish this song she’s never heard. Then, she will tell you how sweet you are before standing up and looking for an escape route.

“Depending on what decade you are in, she will text, page, or rotary-dial all of her friends to tell them how big of a wet one you are. To finish you off, she’ll tell her boyfriend about what you did, and they’ll laugh. Oh, how they’ll laugh. Then she’ll give him a hand shammy (a poor one, I might add) in his jacked-up Z71.

“I just noticed that you wrote the post 4 months ago, and that you received the necessary amount of likes from a””holes that want you dead. Hope you made the right choice, or at least picked a song with a harrier pair.”

Say what you need to say and have fun with it. Don’t let the a””holes get you down. Put on Timmy T’s “What Will I Do?” and dance around your living room. You will laugh a lot, and the dancing will take over your supple body as the trolls crawl back to the hoarder garages from whence they came.

About Michael Atkinson

Michael Atkinson
Michael is an angry little white man, shat into the world by a sarcastic God. He collects gas, debt, and disgusting animals.

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