That Old Sinking Feeling…

Nowadays, the big thing is to rerelease movies in 3-D. OK, maybe it’s not THE big thing, but it’s definitely ONE big thing. We’ve seen The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Star Wars: Phantom Menace, and most recently, a movie that lives up to its name, Titanic.

It’s not like these movies didn’t make their respective studios enough money; they’re all proven successes, which is why they are being rereleased in 3-D. Studios are spending money three-dimensionalizing these movies, so they want to see how exactly the 3-D experience measures up to the standard moviegoing experience.

Is it worth it to produce movies in 3-D in the future? Well, there’s a major factor they’re missing out on.

Pornography has always been the deciding factor when it comes to new video formats. The porn industry went with VHS, ergo death to Beta. It was the famous Porn Push of ’99 that secured the future for DVD. And Blu-ray only became the standard after adult films proved to be significantly more enjoyable on the format than on HD-DVD “¦ um “¦ at least, that’s what I heard.

[pullquote]Exploding volcanoes, intricate train stations, and sinking cruise ships are all fine and good, but at the end of the day, we just want sex.[/pullquote]

And now Hollywood is trying to push 3-D on us? Well, the path of action seems clear. If they want us to embrace three-dimensional production in the theaters as well as within our homes, they’re going to need to show us lots and lots of naked bodies.

No sir, there’s no two ways about it. I want it in my face. I want to feel like I’m there. Because that’s the true adventure that we all seek. Exploding volcanoes, intricate train stations, and sinking cruise ships are all fine and good, but at the end of the day, we just want sex.

I mean, as a culture. Not me in particular.

But I do.

This Is Reality?

So I was at the gym the other day, and I indulged in something I am loath to admit. I actually watched an entire episode of (gasp) Jersey Shore!

I know, disheartening. Usually, even if I’m doing it for column research, I can only stomach up to about three minutes at any given time.

But seriously, why do we put these people on television? Why do we make celebrities out of people who embody the very attributes we feel are subverting our national spirit? Why do these people get laid more often than I do?!?!

Are we genuinely interested in the lives of people whose main motivations in life are to party, work on their abs, and have really nice (“nice” being used in a completely subjective manner) hair?

I am genuinely at a loss here. I can understand when you could be invested in the shows that follow local pursuits. That is to say, Louisiana pursuits.

Whatever you think of the colorful characters on Swamp People, they are being productive, running a business, providing a service. Whether you personally agree with it or not, they’re doing something. Same with the people of Duck Dynasty and the impressive (if sometimes dangerous) folk of Sons of Guns.

Is this a hallmark of the differences between regions? I doubt it. There are Real Housewives all over the country, and their motivations don’t exactly make one think of mom or apple pie.

Summer Nights

I know I’ve already talked to you about the experience of watching a movie at midnight. The vivacity of squeezing into a theater with hundreds of other people who are just as excited to see the movie as you are. The fact that no one else you know has seen the movie, and therefore, it is highly unlikely that any of the surprises of the film will get spoiled for you.

Well, there are advantages as well to seeing a film in the waning time of its theatrical release. Seeing the movie on the morning of the last Thursday it’s out, before the new films come to replace it on Friday, is rather nice. Especially if the theater where you see it proves to be mostly or completely deserted. You feel like you’re a film critic and they’ve reserved a room just for you.

Feel like a king. Put your drink in one cupholder and your candy in the other. Yell at the screen! Take your pants off.

Cue fist pump.

About James Brown

James Brown
James Brown is not related, affiliated, or representative to or of the estate of the Godfather of Soul. Any similarity is purely coincidental.

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