I’ve dedicated a few of these unsolicited advice columns to the art of romance, but there comes a time in every relationship to either crap or get off the pot.
I’m a big believer in things just happening naturally and not doing too much work, so if you’re six months into a relationship and it seems like it’s not working out, it might be time to give up. You’re not going to mold your Larry the Cable Guy into Ryan Gosling or your Roseanne Barr into Megan Fox, so stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and BREAK UP ALREADY.
“But how can I break my sweetiekin’s heart?” you ask. “How can I tear my love muffin to pieces?” Easy.
1. Accentuate the negative. Make a list of all of your honey bear’s negative traits. Don’t stop until you get to 50. Saying “idear” for idea, winking at your friends, using air quotes, drinking Smirnoff Ice, improperly merging into traffic, having varicose veins, wearing sunglasses on the brim of a hat, having an Ed Hardy wardrobe, missing a spot shaving, cheating at solitaire, and on and on. Think only of these bad habits and annoyances, and forget every redeeming quality your sugar tooshie ever had. Once you’re seething with aggravation, you’re ready to move on to step two.
“¦change your relationship status on Facebook from “in a relationship” to “single.” Do not choose “it’s complicated” because, really, it’s not.
2. Retrieve your personal belongings. Breaking up the right way is like withdrawing from enemy territory after a war. You don’t want to abandon any of your troops at your sweet britches’ house, so slowly recover any items you’ve left: books, movies, clothes, etc. After you’ve done the deed, you don’t want to go through the messy, awkward, “I want my stuff back” ordeal. Do this painstakingly slowly, so as not to arouse suspicion. “Hey, Pumpkin Pie, have you seen my Pyrex mixing bowl? What about my spare house key? Yeah, my Aunt Mildred is stopping by and I need to leave her a key.” Once you have all of your belongings safely home, move on to step three.
3. Find your next mark. You don’t want to spend the next three months assembling a team of wingmen every Saturday night, so start thinking now about who your next Shnookums will be. Think back to your list of grievances above and find someone better. Don’t do anything overt; you’re still in a relationship, and you don’t want to stoop to whorishness or cheating.
4. Make your move. Text message is my preferred mode of attack, but if your particular breakup requires more than 140 characters, email is also acceptable. Also, change your relationship status on Facebook from “in a relationship” to “single.” Do not choose “it’s complicated” because, really, it’s not. As for what words you choose to use in your message, that’s up to you. Simple is best. Offering long explanations or leaving room for discussion will only prolong the process and make you feel bad. “I’m breaking up with you” gets the message across without having to have a nasty argument.
5. Move on. Let your next Spring Daisy know you’re on the market. Tell your friends what a jackass your former King Stallion was. Block your Sugar Plum Fairy’s number from your phone, and sleep soundly knowing you’ve made the right choice. You never liked that knob, anyway.