Wedding Registry: A Practical Guide to Getting the Most Out of Other People’s Money

By the time you pick up this magazine, read all the funny stuff, and get to this article, a literary consolation prize, out of boredom or because you’re out of crullers and your sugar coma has you stuck in your chair for a while, I will be hitched. Call it what you like “” married, tied the knot, jumped the broom, betrothed, kissed single life goodbye, gotten a ball and chain “” I will be legally bound to only touching one person’s wiener for the rest of my life.

Take a moment and feel sorry for the bloke, will you? I mean, as awesome as I clearly am, I am somewhat of a “¦ how shall we say this … horse’s ass to deal with.

This is news to no one who has ever gone clothing shopping with me, watched me throw away dishes rather than wash them, seen me wear the same pair of battered Chucks for six years (including with dresses), or watched in frustration as I spend 40 minutes sniffing and resniffing every scent of deodorant in the store 16 times before I decide to buy the same brand and scent I have been using since college. I’m indecisive, prone to changing my mind on a whim, subject to rapid mood swings, stuck in my ways, and constantly seeking new ways to be completely silly and avoid being mature. For goodness’ sake, the only bandages in my home are bacon-shaped.

“¦the bar I work for said no when I asked if I could just have people start me a bar tab and let me drink it off over time.

Why anyone of sound mind would sign up to spend his life with me is beyond me, but someone has. My soon-to-be husband is a gem. He’s smart, silly, loves to do laundry, has the prettiest hair of anyone I have ever known (it’s like making love to Jesus if Jesus used really expensive conditioner and only wore Muppet T-shirts), and he’s patient as all get-out in dealing with my eccentricities. Things like me making the sign of the cross when I see dead stuff in the road (even though I am not Catholic), only eating leftovers cold (your body burns more calories warming your pizza and hot wings before they are digested), and purposely wearing my underwear inside out (I have no real reason I do this) do not faze this man at all.

So, while I may be a nutjob and all, I am a self-preservative one. When he asked me to marry him, I said yes with very little thought behind it. When he asked for a wedding instead of eloping, I said yes. If my daily activities were followed by a guy with a sound-effect machine, this would be where you would insert the “wah-wah-wah” noises.

Planning a wedding sucks. Weddings are expensive. Weddings are impractical and expensive and nerve-wracking. Hell, I am the same damn woman that will buy one can of green beans over another because it’s two cents cheaper (it adds up; suck it), yet I just plucked down $400 on a dress that I can only sanely wear one day in my life.

I do plan to get my money’s worth and wear it to the gynecologist’s office, to get my taxes done next year, and when I stand in line to see The Hunger Games. I will change before the movie starts, because you can’t gorge on popcorn in a corset. I’ve tried it before; it does not work.

I haven’t decided yet on wearing it to Whole Foods. I mean, I don’t want to look that pretentious.

The one GOOD thing I have found about weddings is that there is a lovely tradition that allows you to spend other people’s money, and they don’t even mind: wedding registries! Woot!

If you’re not familiar with this concept, wait until you peep this stuff. You go to a store you like. You write down or scan all the things you like and want (or think you can regift). Then all your friends and family go to that store, look at the things on your list, and buy stuff for you. How awesome is that??

You can pick all sorts of stores, depending on what you want or where you live or how classy you are: Saks, Bloomingdale’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, Target, etc. Of course, being as humble as I am (I defy you to find someone as humble as I am; I am the most humble person I know and don’t mind bragging about it), I chose Walmart. Also, the bar I work for said no when I asked if I could just have people start me a bar tab and let me drink it off over time.

We spent a few hours selecting things, the future Mr. Ruby and I, that is, and I think come gift time we will be pleased, even if our guests felt weird buying some of the stuff we picked. I promise you I have a good reason for all of these choices, even the unorthodox ones.

…my favorite bartender says I need to up my coffee-to-whiskey ratio in my Irish coffee, and since Walmart does not have livers to register for”¦

Suave Strawberry Shampoo: I was elated when I got in the shower last week and saw that I had more shampoo in my bottle than I had the previous time that I washed my hair. Certain that I had been blessed with a MAGIC SHAMPOO BOTTLE that replenishes itself, I whimpered a humble “Thank you, Odin” as I lifted the bottle to wash my hair with what I was certain was a gift from the gods for my humble servitude (and for finally being responsible and getting my oil changed).

Nay! Nay, I say. ‘Twas merely the result of my scallywag offspring once again filling the bottle with water so that I wouldn’t find out she had been using my shampoo as body wash again.

Dill-Pickle-Flavored Sunflower Seeds: I like dill-pickle-flavored things. I don’t need a reason other than this.

Cat Litter: We have two cats. Cat litter can get expensive; therefore, use other people’s money to obtain it if you can. I will try to think of some classier reason as an explanation if I receive a box of it as a gift.

Spiderman Wrapping Paper: There is no gift-giving occasion on the planet when Spiderman wrapping paper would be inappropriate. Spiderman is cool, he helps people out of the goodness of his heart, he can shoot webs out of his hand, and he has a cute butt.

Fruit2O Water: I am addicted to this stuff. It’s 50 cents a bottle, so I hope lots of people decide to take the cheap route. If 20 people spend 10 bucks on me, that would equal 400 bottles, and that would last me at least a month. Maybe even two.

KY Intrigue: This is the lube set for lovers. It features a tingling bottle for her and a warming bottle for him, but just open up two packs and swap out the his in one pack for the hers and buy me a set of two hers, ’cause I don’t like the his one.

Keurig: I like coffee, and this would look fancy on my counter next to my Jägermeister tin that holds my kitchen utensils. Also, my favorite bartender says I need to up my coffee-to-whiskey ratio in my Irish coffee, and since Walmart does not have livers to register for”¦

Mass Effect 3: I couldn’t give a damn less about this crap, but I figured I would throw something on the registry for Mr. Ruby. This will come in handy to distract him so I can read and sew in peace. Plus, it will give him something fun to do other than laundry and changing cat litter.

Like I said, I am fairly practical and thrifty. I didn’t even specify a name brand on the cat litter or sunflower seeds, and I didn’t scan any tires or guns or TVs or cell phones or anything.

I want presents, but I still want my friends to have money left over to buy a costume for my wedding. Did I mention that part? We are having a costume wedding on St. Patrick’s Day this year.

Wait “¦ does Walmart sell kegs? We need green beer. Wait; that might be expensive. When you go check out my registry, make sure you remember that I forgot to add pony bottles of Miller High Life and food coloring, and make sure you pick some up for me. But be frugal about it: Pick up four packs of food coloring and take all the green ones out and shove them in one box so you don’t waste your money on stuff we don’t need. I don’t want to see you waste any money that you could be spending on buying me more lube.

About Ruby42

Ruby42 is an artist / poet / comedian / writer / pornographer / baker of boozy bacon cakes and thinks it sucks to be you.

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