Stoner Plans to Become Oldest Person by Killing Everyone Older Than Himself

A Garden District pothead revealed his plan to one day be named the oldest person alive by the Guinness World Records simply by exterminating every person on the planet who is his senior.

Christopher DeWitt said he had wanted to be in the Guinness World Records ever since he was a kid, but couldn’t figure out how.

“There’s no way I could kill three or four billion people right now. I am way too high to be that productive.”

“I knew, with all the weed I smoke, I couldn’t break the record for staying awake,” DeWitt admitted. “And I couldn’t grow the longest fingernails, because they’d keep me from rolling a tight joint or even hitting a pipe.”

DeWitt said he did attempt to break the world record for the most amount of weed smoked in a 24-hour period, but gave up once he learned that Guinness did not recognize such a feat.

The 28-year-old bicycle shop employee said he finally devised an “infallible” plan to get into the record book after smoking some marijuana alone in his two-bedroom apartment last month.

“I had just finished smoking a bowl of Acapulco Gold when I saw something on TV about the oldest person dying or something,” DeWitt recalled. “So that got me to thinking. The only reason that person held the record was because there was no one else older than him “¦ or her. I forget if it was a dude or a chick. Anyway, so all I’d have to do to get the record is kill everyone older than me!”

Given that he’d have to execute several billion people to reach his goal within the foreseeable future, DeWitt said he won’t actually begin to hatch his scheme for several years.

“Yeah, I’m going to just lay low and let nature take its course and thin the herd for the next couple of decades,” DeWitt said. “There’s no way I could kill three or four billion people right now. I am way too high to be that productive.”

DeWitt anticipates actively beginning work on his plan and starting to take people out in about 35 years. He said he figures that’s the optimum point when his workload would be minimized, yet he’d still be young enough to get the job done.

“Not only will killing everyone older than me get me in the Guinness Book of World Records, it’ll save Social Security!”

“See, when I’m in my early 60s, there won’t be so many people older than me left to kill. But if I wait too long after that, I’ll be too old and decrepit to be an effective killer. The timing is critical,” he said.

Of course, friends have told him that his mass-murderous plot is morally wrong and would eventually result in his arrest, conviction, and execution. DeWitt, however, expects to not only get a presidential pardon, but accolades, too.

“Not only will killing everyone older than me get me in the Guinness Book of World Records, it’ll save Social Security!” DeWitt exclaimed. “They won’t execute me. Hell, they’ll probably give me a medal or something.”

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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