Parade Pee-Time Problems

Mardi Gras is that magical time of year when closet drunks and druggies, admitted alcoholics, and crazily bizarre weirdos come out to New Orleans to play. Some are more seasoned veterans than others”¦

Some are drunken high school children who can’t hold their liquor and are vomiting uncontrollably while lying in their own filth next to a line of Porta-Pottys. Some are sober, old, crazy ladies trying to catch a decorated shoe from the Muses parade.

Either way, they’re all here to celebrate this couple of weeks of debauchery before Lenten season comes around. Then all of us Catholics have to be on our best behavior, fast, and sacrifice for fear that God will smite us down just as he did to Sodom and Gomorrah because of homosexuality and fornication (ancient biblical Mardi Gras).

Since moving to New Orleans in 2007, my friend Vic Dooley has been organizing a big setup on the neutral ground on St. Charles Avenue. Each year, it gets bigger and bigger. This year, we had three pop-up tents, 10 ice chests filled with food and beer and liquor, a big barbecue pit, a Porta-Potty, and we even had an RV parked across the street. We were not exactly roughing it this year.

“¦there was a small crowd gathering, watching this ass in an LSU Snuggie and shrimp boots dancing and singing to these two girls.

All of our friends were free to use the Porta-Potty as they pleased, but we kept a padlock on the door with only a select few of us having a key. So, for strangers, we would charge three bucks “” maybe more, maybe less, depending on the situation.

On Sunday night (the busiest night of Mardi Gras), we were all standing by the RV and Porta-Potty. We were wrecked. We’d been out on the parade route drinking all day. Vic was wearing an LSU Snuggie and white shrimp boots. That’s when these two girls walked up”¦

“Hey, can we use your bathroom?” they asked.

“Three dollars each, ladies,” Vic said.

“We don’t have three dollars.”

“Well, then, you can’t use it.”

They were going back and forth for a while. Then Vic started dancing to the music from the parade route and singing, “Give me three dollars, I might let you pee. Give me three dollars, I’ll let you in the Porta-Potty.”

By this time, there was a small crowd gathering, watching this ass in an LSU Snuggie and shrimp boots dancing and singing to these two girls.

Finally, the main girl said, “I’ll make out with you if you let me in there?”

“Whoa. OK, first of all,” Vic said, “I don’t think my girlfriend would appreciate that at all. Secondly, you’re ugly. I don’t want to kiss you anyway.”

These girls were so embarrassed, and the small crowd was getting a good laugh at their misfortune.

So then Vic said, “If you make out with my buddy, Chip, I’ll think about it.”

Chip, by the way, had been sleeping in the RV for the past three nights and had not showered or brushed his teeth. So this girl grabbed Chip and tongue-kissed him for a good 20 or 30 seconds.

“OK, Vic. Let her in, dude. She earned it,” Chip said.

Vic replied, “Oh, THIS bathroom right here? I don’t have a key to this bathroom; this thing isn’t mine. I was just standing here when y’all walked by.” Then he walked off into the crowd. After about 30 minutes of torture, he just walked off.

What a dick! But that was probably one of the funniest moments of this Mardi Gras.

Happy Friday! I’ll be back next month with the second installment of “The Adventures of Topher.”

About Johnny Valentine

Johnny Valentine
Johnny Valentine is striving to be the Hunter S. Thompson of his generation. Take a walk on the wild side with him.

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