The Art of War

Someone once said:  “Never trust anyone who hasn’t been punched in the face.” While I don’t know if that is actually true, I do know that you can learn some of life’s most important lessons while someone is or is attempting to punch you in the face.

The first fight I ever got into was like a scene from a movie. It was in seventh grade during gym class. The guy swung at me, and I caught his fist. I caught his fist! I caught his fist, and I punched him, and he went down.

That day, I learned that I was a badass muthaf””ker “¦ right up until my second fight, where I learned two lessons at once.

The first lesson was humility, because two days later, he caught me on the stairs and whipped my ass. Yup, being cocky will always come back to haunt you.

The second and most important of the two lessons, however, was that if you are going to whip someone’s ass, make sure there is a witness. If nobody sees it, it didn’t really happen. As long as you get your version out first, the other side is always playing catch-up, regardless of how it went down.

Lesson three: It is possible to beat up two people at once. It isn’t that difficult at all. Once that number goes beyond two people, the degree of difficulty goes up much like the readings on the Richter scale. An addition of one adds 100 times the difficulty.

“¦ if you are going to whip someone’s ass, make sure there is a witness. If nobody sees it, it didn’t really happen.

It’s easy to hit one guy, and turn and hit the other guy, but when you turn back to the first guy and the third and fourth guys tackle you, it’s game over. It isn’t like the movies. Nobody ever comes one after the other like that, and if they do, they deserve the Segal-like beating they get.

The fourth lesson is a stereotype killer. Everyone has a story about how he knows a little guy who beat up a big guy. Hey, it happens, but you know what, 99% of the time the big guy wins. Deal with it.

If you don’t like it, don’t start fights with people bigger than you. You weigh 140 pounds: That’s cute; stay on the playground and fight girls your own size.

Fifth: There are some people who just have your number. No getting around it: You aren’t going to win. If you get a draw, count it as a moral victory and let it go.

There’s a guy out there who kicked my ass three times almost 20 years ago, and if I heard he was looking for me now, I’d jump a fence and climb a tree to get away. It’s OK to know your limits and accept them.

Lesson six is simple: Do whatever it takes to win. People talk about honor and rules in a fight; those people are douche lords. Go for low blows and eye pokes, hit them with a chair, or get Mr. Fuji to throw salt in their face when the ref isn’t looking. Rules are for chumps. It’s a fight; do what you gotta do.

Finally, the most important lesson comes not from fighting but from watching fights. That lesson is this: Just let it go.

Sure, you used to be able to size up a man based on appearance. If Chuck Liddell spills a drink on you, you immediately know the proper response is to apologize for running into his drink and buy him another.

The problem is that MMA training is now so prevalent that killers don’t all have Mohawks and face tattoos anymore. Rich Franklin was a math teacher; he is also in the top 3% of men on the planet who could dominate the other 97% of us.

About Sunny Weathers

Sunny Weathers is not fit to serve in any capacity as a juror or babysitter. And yes, that really is his last name.

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