The Adventures of Topher, Part I

Usually, right about now you’d be reading about the wild and crazy adventures of Johnny Valentine. As interesting as my life stories have been, I thought it’d be fun to introduce you to a new character.

Topher was like a brother to me growing up, and our lives are extremely similar. We’re both f””k-ups, both not living up to our true potential, both love to party hard, both have great storytelling abilities and have amazing stories to tell “¦ What can I say? We’re both lovable addicts.

His life story is as entertaining as it is heartbreaking, and I would be doing everyone a great injustice if I didn’t share it with you. Without further ado: The Adventures of Topher, Part I.

Current mood: Calm.

The year was ’97, and it was the first night at my new apartment in Lafayette. I brought two of my friends there, and we drank a bunch of mushroom Kool-Aid.

One of the guys and I had been drinking shrooms every day for a few months, and the other guy had not. Needless to say, the caps took a stronger hold on him than us.

I remember sitting on the floor of that empty apartment, feeling as though I had been clued in to some insights on the meaning of life.

I remember sitting on the floor of that empty apartment, feeling as though I had been clued in to some insights on the meaning of life. We sat there and listened to this CD, Helter Skelter. It was hip-hop. I think we listened to the Wu-Tang Clan, as well. Anyway, if that trip was a sign of what was to come, I sure didn’t pay any attention, or care to.

So school started, and everyone was old enough to go out but me. So I stayed home and watched cartoons, smoked weed, listened to music, and played Final Fantasy 7.

My cousin and I hung out a lot. He was skipping school, too, just like me. One time, he brought some friends over: Sunny, Joe, and Joey. Well, they brought some Valium and things, and I had my first of many experiences with benzos.

I remember Joey telling me Sunny wanted to have sex with me. This was a new thing; in high school, you had to put in months of work to get some. So, of course, I was all in.

It turns out that my cousin also had a crush on Sunny. I had no idea.

Well, it wasn’t long before I was sitting on Sunny’s couch, loaded on Valium, and cuddling with her. All of a sudden, two huge guys busted in the front door.

Apparently, Sunny had just broken off a five-year relationship with one of these guys. He got pissed, threw the keys to the apartment against the wall, and left with his friend.

I had no idea what was going on, so I asked. Sunny had been dating an LSU baseball player. The two guys who came in were that guy and a teammate. What?!

So, I thought these guys might come back, and sure enough, they did “” with most of the starters. I thought I was doomed for sure.

One of the guys sat right beside me and asked me who I was. Meanwhile, another guy was yelling at the top of his lungs, “What’s up, bruh!” He was trying to get me fired up.

They had all been at some party, and Sunny’s ex told them what happened. So this one guy was in my ear, asking me questions like he wanted to be my friend. I was just waiting to get beat down in this apartment.

The guy next to me leaned over and in a raspy voice asked, “Hey, bruh, you smoke weed?”

Of course, I had a sack on me. I pulled it out “” really good bud from back home. This guy wanted to smoke, so we did, and somehow he defused the entire situation, and the guys all left.

I never heard anything about it again, but I had a really good story to tell my friends about my encounter with the national champs.

Sunny and I began dating. She was 21 and I was 17. She had me wrapped! I did everything she said on command. My roommates in Lafayette saw it, my other friends saw it, too, but I was blind to it.

She bought weed, smoked it with me, gave me pills, hung out with me, and gave me company. I guess it was everything I needed at the time. Eventually, the “bossing me around” stuff got to be too much, the bad outweighed the good, and I was through.

Somewhere in the time we dated, however, I was at a party next door to Sunny’s with this guy Nelson and his roomie Snakeman. They had some cock, and I’d never tried it and thought it was time.

Sunny told me it was a bad idea, but oh well. It was nice; I remember going back over there for like five more hits that night.

Anyway, so ended my days hangin’ with Sunny in Baton Rouge, and soon my days in Lafayette expired, too. So I was moving back home to find a job and stay with my folks.


Hope you enjoyed. Look for the next installment in March. Happy Friday!

About Johnny Valentine

Johnny Valentine is striving to be the Hunter S. Thompson of his generation. Take a walk on the wild side with him.

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