Not to Mention, Superman Can Go Five Minutes Without Knocking His Wife Up

Have you recovered from all the crap that happened in January yet? No? Then kill yourself, because you’re worthless.

Get over it. The only reason a 21-year-old black guy should have you this bent out of shape is if he robs you or talks too much in the theater while you and your wife are trying to watch Joyful Noise. (I know, I know “” Contraband was sold out.)

Somewhere in the Tigerland apartments on a Sunday in late January, three guys named Corey grappled with whether to watch the Pro Bowl or the Royal Rumble, and they ultimately decided on the latter because they decided that it was more real. There’s a lesson to learn from these three probably extant douche bags, and it’s that none of it is real.

You know that friend of yours who’s really into comic books? You know, the one you’ve called a queer under your breath a thousand times? Well, here’s a wake-up call, pal: The most noticeable difference between Superman and Drew Brees is that Drew has prettier eyes. So who’s the queer now? Clearly, it is, collectively, we.

Back in the prewar days, our grandfathers watched sports because they loved gambling and hated women and blacks, and other than the women and blacks, nobody ever had a problem with any of it. It was a glorious time.

Remember all this the next time your son tells you he wants to go to the Renaissance Fair. Ask yourself, “When was the last time somebody got man-raped in the face at a Renaissance Fair?”

Now, things have changed. We talk about uniform combinations more than People does in its best- and worst-dressed lists. SportsCenter highlights have techno music in the background. We all have “fantasy” teams. If you pass out drunk at a Krystal after your team loses a big game, an Alabama fan rapes you in the face while his friends watch and enjoy it.

Remember all this the next time your son tells you he wants to go to the Renaissance Fair. Ask yourself, “When was the last time somebody got man-raped in the face at a Renaissance Fair?”

The truth is that your son isn’t going to the Renaissance Fair because he’s gay “” he’s going because he likes fat chicks. Encourage him, or at least meet him halfway and do Civil War reenactments with him.

Sometime this month, you should get together with someone you love. Perhaps you’ll grapple with whether to watch the NBA All-Star Game or the WWE’s Elimination Chamber, and hopefully, you’ll decide on the latter, because it’s more real.

About Adam Wilson

Adam Wilson
Adam Wilson was the original columnist for Balls, Pucks, and Cups. He returned after a five-year contract dispute with The Red Shtick management.

Check Also

GUEST COLUMN: “I Care About Syrians, Just Not Enough to Let Them in the U.S.” — Rosie Parker

My heart goes out to these poor, suffering people and their families. However, that doesn’t mean I want them in this country.