The 5,112th annual Grammys © ® (Patent Pending) are upon us, airing February 12 on the Geriatric Discovery Channel (which also features NCIS: Panama City and CSI: Sunnyvale Assisted Living “” all-new episodes on Wednesday nights “” tune in). LL Cool J will be hosting, so as to target the 55-and-under audience who wants to knock you out, as preferred by Geriatric Discovery TV executives.
This is your definitive “” and also extremely fit for toilet reading “” guide to artists nominated this year who you probably haven’t heard of because you have a job and 2.3 children and a Husky named Fozzy.
For instance, you probably don’t know that that fancy, chunky, British girl Adele is a nominee. Surely you haven’t heard any of her songs. Well, you’re gonna wish YOU, never had met HER, to paraphrase one of her ubiquitous hit singles.
I can’t breathe for 10 minutes without hearing her smoky voice piped into a clothing store, on the radio, or on my roommate’s iPhone ringtone. Seriously, I’m pretty sure even my grandmother is singing “Set Fire to the Rain” in the shower.
I didn’t know they had those there, but it makes total sense, since barbershop quartets are usually composed of weird, stringy-looking guys, and London has cornered the world market on those.
Ms. Adele, as she insists I call her in her cease-and-desist letters, is nominated for Record of the Year; Miss Congeniality “” Peach Festival of Savannah, GA; Album of the Year for her album 21; Mr. Blackwell’s Worst Dressed; Song of the Year for “Rolling in the Deep”; The Darwin Award for Best Fall From More Than Eight Stories; Best Pop Solo Performance; the Nobel Prize for Angry Breakup Songs; and Best Pop Vocal Album. She’s a shoe-in for the Darwin and Song of the Year, say my sources (read: people I made up for the purpose of this article).
Next up: Bon Iver. Strangely enough, this is not Bon Jovi’s hipper, less-soul-sapping brother. “Bon” means “good” en franÃ§ais, but someone forgot to tell Bon Jovi this. Their music makes me wish for a Tasing by a 6’5″ prison guard.
Oh, where was I? Bon Iver, yes.
Bon Iver is an indie rock/folk band that hailS from (my sources say) some midsized college town where girls wear a lot of patterned rubber boots with shorts and smoke potpourri from head shops and talk about girly things like feelings and periods and Obamacare. For an indie band, they don’t act quite indie enough for me. They have a song on one of the Twilight movies (the one with the glittery vampires, unnamed sources claim and Wikipedia confirms) and released a collaboration with Kanye West, who was going to let them finish, but then realized they were not Bon Jovi.
Bon Iver is nominated for Record of the Year; Best Unfinished Kanye West Collaboration; Most Likely to Play to Small Crowds of Unbathed Persons; Song of the Year; Best New Artist; Nudist Beach of the Year 2007; Best Alternative Album; and Most Likely to Name Their Next Song After a City or Place, Hopefully Des Moines Because We Got Skipped Over on That Last Album.
Now on to the pop-y side of rap. Nicki Minaj, the newish female rapper whose main goal in life seems to be to out-Barbie Lil Kim and who has a weirder delivery than Lil’ Wayne, is nominated this year. Seeing how she was featured in 2,412 songs on the Hot 100 this year, this is not very surprising.
Ms. Minaj, who got her start in NYC handing out her own mixtape, is nominated for Best New Artist; Most Likely to Rewear Something of Lady Gaga’s; Best Rap Performance for “Moment 4 Life” with Drake; Perfect Attendance; Best Rap Album; and October’s Most Loyal Customer at Bernie’s House of Latex in Bronx, NY.
Speaking of rappers, did you know Wiz Khalifa really likes pot? It may seem like a subliminal message in his music, but I have him figured out, sure enough.
Mr. Khalifa (born August E. Heimlich III, Esq., according to the unnamed voices in my head) performs the hit rap single with the least amount of words, titled “Black and Yellow.” It may or may not be about bumblebees that smoke the reefer. The verdict is still out.
He is nominated for Best Rap Song; NORML’s Citizen of the Year; and Best Rap Performance by a Bumblebee Smoking Ganja.
Fun fact: Barbra Streisand is nominated this year. Yes, the Mayans are right.
Have you ever heard of Mumford & Sons? At first I was all, like, “Elizabeth, I’m coming to join you, honey!” but then I listened to them. I’m pretty sure I found out in my extensive research (a three-second overview on bing.com) that they are a barbershop quartet from London. I didn’t know they had those there, but it makes total sense, since barbershop quartets are usually composed of weird, stringy-looking guys, and London has cornered the world market on those.
The Mumford guys are nominated for their work on the album The Cave. Oh, so spooky is that cave. London spooky. They are nominated for Record of the Year; Most Likely Suspects in the Jack the Ripper Case; Album of the Year; The Biggest Loser winner, Season 3; Song of the Year; and Most Likely to Tour With Megadeth as a Joke Between Music Promoters.
Last but certainly not least, you should know about Skrillex. This is not a hidden advertisement for a pot and pan scrubber; it’s really this little guy from California whose real name is Sonny John Moore.
Serial killer name, amirite? Anyone with a name like that probably has duct tape and a knife in a bag stowed in his van. I mean, John Walsh is so gonna get this guy on America’s Most Wanted soon.
Anyway, he is very popular nowadays in the genre of dubstep, which is sort of like what us older folk used to call techno.
Mr. Skrillz (he lets me call him this when I am not yelling “OH MY GOD, SERIAL KILLER!” at him) is nominated for Best New Artist; Most Likely to Have Old Glow Sticks in His Sock Drawer; Best Dance Recording; and, of course, America’s Top Ten Most Wanted.
Deuces “¦ I’m out! Enjoy the sh””tshow that is the 5,112th annual Grammys © ® (Patent Pending), and remember to watch Criminal Minds: The Smithsonian immediately after the show. I hear it’s the episode where they finally catch Sonny John Moore.