Guest Column: “What’s the Big Deal About Teabagging?” – Chad Cole, Frat Boy

Bruh, I’m sure you’ve heard about the passed-out LSU fan getting teabagged by a Bammer in a Krystal Burger in New Orleans after the BCS Championship game. Now the dude who did the ‘bagging has been fired, his wife left his ass, and he’s been charged with sexual assault? Dude, what’s the big deal?

I mean, who hasn’t teabagged a passed-out bro? That’s not sexual assault. There’s nothing sexual at all about it. It’s a way to bond with another dude who happens to be unconscious and defenseless.

We do it all the time at Nu Theta Sigma. Pledges get totally wasted at parties, they pass out, then we put our balls in their mouths while someone records it so the pledges can see it the next day. It’s all about bonding as bros.

There’s nothing sexual about that! If it were sexual, it’d be gay since it’s all dudes, and we are definitely not gay!

[pullquote]It was like, if I could take their balls in my mouth, they knew they could trust me to have their backs if the sh””t went down at Bogie’s or Fred’s.[/pullquote]

Look, when I pledged NuTS, I got teabagged numerous times. Sure, at first, I didn’t understand why these guys who said they would be my brothers once the check cleared would drop their nutsacks in my mouth after force-feeding me alcohol.

Over time, though, I developed a close “” but totally nonsexual “” relationship with those guys. It was like, if I could take their balls in my mouth, they knew they could trust me to have their backs if the sh””t went down at Bogie’s or Fred’s.

So maybe that’s what the Alabama fan was trying to do. Everybody just assumed the Bama guy was just trying to humiliate the LSU fan in public after an embarrassing performance by his team on national television.

But maybe, just maybe, he was trying to bond with him and console him in a way that only real men can. Maybe putting his balls in his face was his way of saying, “Hey, bruh, it’s OK. There’s always next year.”

About Off the Wire Guest Columnist

Check Also

Cortana Mall to Be Taken Off Life Support

Doctors at Our Lady of Lake Hospital sadly report a former major shopping venue will soon be taken off life support.