Stanford Declared Competent to Use Bathroom Unassisted

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HOUSTON “” U.S. District Judge David Hittner ruled last month that jailed Texas financier R. Allen Stanford is sufficiently capable of wiping his own ass.

Hittner’s decision came after a nearly three-day competency hearing for the disgraced financier who stands trial this month in allegedly bilking investors out of $7.2 billion in a massive Ponzi scheme.

A hygiene expert who supervised Stanford during and after his bowel movements in prison testified the businessman is sufficiently competent to clean up after himself.

Stanford’s legal team argued that its client needed assistance using the bathroom because he doesn’t remember how to wipe his behind. Ali R. Fazil, one of Stanford’s attorneys, claimed the former billionaire had been paying someone to clean his rear end for so long he no longer knew how to do it himself.

Additionally, four medical experts who testified on Stanford’s behalf, including a urologist and two proctologists, said the financier is unable to drop a deuce without making a huge mess due to the severe ass beating he received in a jail fight in September 2009.

Following his ruling, Hittner ordered a violinist to play a sad song for Stanford and his attorneys.

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