Happy New Year!!! It’s 2012, and we still have no commercially viable jet packs. But we do have something special to look forward to this year: the apocalypse. And not some run-of-the-mill, Christian, religious apocalypse like Harold Camping missed the mark on last year (twice, I might add). No, this time, it’s the Mayans that are the architects of our demise.
Don’t try and deny it with your cold logic about how ridiculous eschatology in general is, or that fistful of facts that everyone and his mother has picked up about the Mayan long-form calendar from the History Channel. (It’s just the end of the calendar, like December 31; aren’t you frigging clever?)
NO! I was denied Y2K in 1999, I was denied by Harold “I speak directly to God” Camping last year (twice), and I will not be denied my apocalypse this year! I’m hoping this is the one thing the rednecks stockpiling guns and MREs out in the woods have right. The end is nigh. God is coming; everyone look busy.
So what do we do with our last year on Earth? Well, I could go about coming up with a series of New Year’s resolutions for you like I do every year, but this has to be special. If the Mayans are right, then we just experienced our last Christmas, and I didn’t even get what I wanted. So here’s a list of things for each of you to do with your last year on Earth.
I’m hoping this is the one thing the rednecks stockpiling guns and MREs out in the woods have right. “¦ God is coming; everyone look busy.
Throw morality out the window, folks, for as a wise Gungan once said: “Yousa thinking yousa people ganna die?” Yes, Jar Jar, we’re all screwed. Let’s make this one count!
(I am in no way responsible if you follow any of this advice and the world doesn’t end. In fact, I’d argue that you angered the heathen Mayan gods with your insolent testing of their wills and they pulled out of ending existence.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Sit naked on a cake. You heard me. Have you ever done it? It’s the definition of decadence. Honestly, for the last month of his life, Nero refused to sit on anything with less than three layers.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Forget about speed limits. Set your cruise control on 90 and hang on. You have no time for traffic laws; the world is going to end.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Heroin! Now’s the time. You start chasing the dragon now, and you should be just shy of begging for death by the 21st of December.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Start drinking like you mean it. I mean really tie one on. You’ve got 12 months left on the planet; might as well spend them sauced.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Eat every last meal you can imagine yourself sitting down to. Don’t pretend you want something fancy. Deep down inside, we all know caviar tastes like fish farts, lobster is bland, and foie gras barely comes close to really good bacon.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Random sex with strangers. This is way easier than you’d think. I mean, David Duchovny was treated for sex addiction, and he looks like Al Bundy now. If you’re prepared to strike out a couple of times every day, there’s no reason you need to ever sleep at your own place again.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take a life. Now, not everyone is cool with offing a hobo (it’s not like they’re people), but you have a year to work up to that. Start simply with a feeder mouse from the pet store and a mallet. Don’t cringe! The mallet does most of the work.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Taste human flesh. I know; you don’t want to hurt anyone to get to your goals. But man, is it easy to take a little piece of your forearm off with a carrot grater. Once it’s off, you throw it in some sautéing butter, and you’re in business.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Streak. Run bare naked through a populated area. Don’t go soft on it, either. They don’t even show it at sporting events anymore. I’m not telling you where to go, but there are an awful lot of presidential debates scheduled this year.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Commit a felony. Don’t worry; I’m not saying you should kill someone, although that would be pretty metal. In Louisiana, felony theft is anything over $500. Go on the net and illegally download any of the Rosetta Stone language courses. My, aren’t you a naughty one.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Buy a dozen puppies. You know you want to. It’s OK if you’d prefer to wait until November so they stay small and manageable.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be gay, or if you’re gay, be straight. Kinsey stated that no one is completely straight or gay. Pitch for the other team for once. Start slow: Watch UFC with the sound off.