Life Lesson #5: New Year’s Resolutions

You’ve survived the holidays, and you’re probably thinking about making some resolutions to improve yourself and your life in 2012. No one is more qualified than Mrs. Judge Mental, Your Professional Life Coachâ„¢, to help you make the most of your empty pledges to change your life.

Some of the most common New Year’s resolutions involve weight loss. It’s not surprising since Americans are the fattest people ever in the history of humans. These rules are Mrs. Judge Mental’s best strategies for losing weight:

Rule #1: Never eat anything that can be purchased in a Circle K store. Funyuns, delicious though they may be, are not part of a complete breakfast, and ICEEs are not what’s for dinner. Honey-roasted cashews are delicious, for sure, but they’re not going to help you lose a notch on your belt. Plan your meals ahead of time, be mindful of what you’re eating, and stop eating inside your car.

Rule #2: Get off your ass. Step away from Facebook. Turn off the DVR. I read somewhere that Elvis lost weight by sleeping all day, and while that might work, it’s not conducive to being employed, so I don’t suggest it. Quit complaining about being fat and move your body in whatever way you’re able, whether it’s walking, running, P90X, yoglates, swimming, or drunk kickball.

Funyuns, delicious though they may be, are not part of a complete breakfast, and ICEEs are not what’s for dinner.

Rule #3: Speaking of drunk kickball, lay off the booze. Alcohol causes fatness, and that’s a scientific fact. Just kidding; I made that up, but you could drink like a teenage girl and switch to Michelob Ultra. There are more calories in a large daiquiri than a Big Mac “¦ just sayin’.

Rule #4: If losing weight were as easy as taking pills, there would be no fat people. Acai, Fen-phen, amphetamines, and Alli all have their downsides. Acai doesn’t really work, Fen-phen can kill you, amphetamines are addictive, and Alli makes you crap your pants. Choose your poison, but for God’s sake, don’t purposely eat a tapeworm. And if you start crapping your pants, other areas of your life could be negatively affected. I’m pretty convinced that Alli just trains you to eat less crappy food the same way Pavlov trained his dogs.

Rule #5: Again, there’s no easy, quick fix. This goes double for having your jaw wired shut or Lap-Band surgery or gastric bypass. If you go the easy route, but don’t learn new eating and exercising behavior, you’ll find yourself with a $20,000 hospital bill and back at your starting weight within a few years.

Rule #6: I’m not sure where you got the idea that wrapping Saran wrap over your fat while you exercise will help you lose weight, but that’s ridiculous. Stop doing that. See also: ab shocker belts, human growth hormones, and the double-chin toning machine of infomercial fame. You’re fat, you’re vulnerable, and advertisers are trying to take advantage of you.

Rule #7: Eat carbs. Eat protein. Eat fat. These are the building blocks of food, and all are necessary for proper nutrition. Atkins, caveman, low-fat, high-protein “” each of these diets specify what you can’t eat, and my advice is simpler than all that: Eat what you like, just don’t eat so damn much.

About Mrs. Judge Mental

Mrs. Judge Mental, Your Professional Life Coachâ„¢, is a noted expert in absolutely nothing. She is, however, ready to solve your problems using only a foot of dental floss, a toothpick, and Wikipedia.

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