J&D Foods

After much cajoling by the public, the folks at J&D Foods in Seattle have launched the world’s first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil. Thanks to the people who also make Bacon Salt and Baconnaise, bacon lovers (literally) can now order Baconlube, which has many more uses than even its creators seemingly realize.

The company’s website says, “Baconlube started as an elaborate April Fool’s prank and was never intended to be a real product. But when the joke ended, the emails kept coming. People harassed us via email, in public, and in highly inappropriate ways.”

What J&D’s people don’t seem to recognize is that they’ve created a product with a plethora of uses. Baconlube is almost as versatile as baking soda. They just don’t know it yet.

Are you worried that the Middle Eastern guy you’re about to shag may be a jihadist looking for one last fling with an infidel whore before receiving his 72 virgins from Allah? Keep America safe and use Baconlube!

That’s why we’ve decided to use this forum to illustrate to them just how uniquely awesome their latest product really is with a few uniquely awesome potential selling points:

  • Are you struggling with figuring out how to tell your vegan lover that you want to either see other people or have an open relationship? Try Baconlube! It says, “I still like having sex with you. I just feel like porking other people, too.”
  • Ever wondered what Kermit the Frog experiences when he hooks up with Miss Piggy? With Baconlube, you can find out firsthand just how uneasy it is being green.
  • Hey, ladies, want to serve your lover breakfast in bed without ever walking into the kitchen? Just use Baconlube when you’re ovulating and voilà! Bacon and eggs in bed!
  • Are you worried that the Middle Eastern guy you’re about to shag may be a jihadist looking for one last fling with an infidel whore before receiving his 72 virgins from Allah? Keep America safe and use Baconlube! He’ll have to go through an elaborate purification ritual before martyring himself in a suicidal attack.
  • Baconlube: the perfect gift for that freaky, rabid Arkansas Razorback friend.

We can only hope that executives at J&D see Baconlube’s full potential and change their mind about it only being available for a limited time. With just a little effort from their marketing department, we believe the country would go hog wild over it.

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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