Is It in You? No? Good. Keep It That Way.

I initially thought about using this month’s column to suggest various personalized New Year’s resolutions to different people. For instance, perhaps Mike Ditka should resolve to enunciate the last two syllables of his sentences. It’s just a suggestion.

However, after noticing a disturbing trend, I’ve decided to suggest just one resolution for everyone: Stop letting strange people inject strange stuff into your body!

No, I’m not talking about drunk college girls letting frat boys inject just the tip, although that might be a good idea.

I’m actually referring to a couple of recent stories involving silicone injections performed by highly unlicensed professional fake doctors.

The first story involves Oneal Ron Morris, a transgendered woman who allegedly preyed on the transgender community by posing as a doctor. According to the Sun Sentinel, Morris injected as many as 30 people with all sorts of things, including cement, Super Glue, mineral oil, and Fix-A-Flat.

That’s right. Fix-A-Flat. As in the stuff you use to fix a flat tire.

The 31-year-old fake plastic surgeon from Miami (why is it always Florida?) known as “The Duchess” reportedly performed her black-market magic almost entirely on other transgendered women who hoped to enhance their curves and gain more feminine features.

“¦the only reputable, trustworthy women at bars soliciting money to perform anything on your peepee are hookers.

The Duchess allegedly told her patients that she had performed hundreds of successful plastic surgeries using “medical silicone.” Apparently, she performed a few of those procedures on herself.

Those are not Photoshopped pictures of Morris. Rest assured, there’s room for more than just an elf on Morris’ shelf.

So people have gender identity issues. They want how they look on the outside to match how they feel inside. I get that.

What I don’t get is people paying thousands of dollars for someone who looks like a cross between a crackhead and a crappy, fourth-generation clone of Kim Kardashian to inject anything “” much less items found at AutoZone “” into their bodies.

Sadly, most of The Duchess’ victims ended up in the emergency room, but at least none of them died, unlike the guy in the other story involving ill-advised silicone injections.

Justin Street was a handsome, 22-year-old security guard and father of two from East Orange, NJ. Unfortunately, his desire to have a larger wang to slang clouded his judgment so badly, he went to a strange woman’s home and paid her to inject his penis with silicone in hopes of enlarging it. Here’s a photo of the woman.

Her name is Kasia Rivera. And no, she’s not a transgender woman like Morris, although she definitely could pass for one.

Police said Street died of a silicone embolism one day after he visited the 34-year-old Rivera’s home, where she reportedly maintained an unauthorized medical practice.

Now, as tragic as a young man dying a senseless death is, what’s even more tragic is how he apparently found out about Rivera’s “services.”

According to the New Jersey Star-Ledger, “Rivera advertised her beauty services at bars and stores in East Orange, passing out her business card that promised silicone enhancement “” day or night “” from the convenience of her home, authorities said.”

Wow! The convenience of her home? You’d be crazy NOT to let her stick a needle in your penis! It’s all done in her home, for Christ’s sake! What could go wrong?

I’m sorry for piling on the poor guy’s grave here, but fellas, the only reputable, trustworthy women at bars soliciting money to perform anything on your peepee are hookers. And the operative word here is “on.” Nothing should ever go “in.”

So in 2012, can we all just resolve not to let people without medical licenses inject God-knows-what in us? After all, you don’t want to end up disfigured or dead. And you most certainly don’t want to end up like Roger Clemens.

About Jeremy White

Jeremy White
Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth. He managed to overcome the obstacles presented by his technical background, and has brilliantly devised a way to make a living making fun of people.

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