Guirard Rap CD Considered Too Stupid Even for Fox & Friends

Fox News executives have categorically declared they will not dedicate a single second of airtime to covering E. Eric Guirard’s recently released “American Conservative Rap” album Tea Party Anthem, claiming it’s so inane, it fails to meet even the paltry standards set by the network’s morning show.

Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson, who typically enthusiastically espouses anything that remotely champions conservative values, seemed thoroughly repulsed by the latest venture from the self-described 53-year-old, white, conservative lawyer/businessman/rapper.

“We like contrived bullshit as much as the next news show, but God damn, even we have standards.”

“We like contrived bullshit as much as the next news show, but God damn, even we have standards,” said the usually perky, blond Carlson. “Yes, I listened to it. The “˜E’ must stand for “˜excruciating.'”

FoxandFriendsCarlson continued, “Fox & Friends may look like a dog-and-pony show wrapped in the American flag, but that doesn’t mean any jackass can slap together a so-called “˜Conservative Rap’ CD and expect us to dote all over it.”

She also said she’s not alone in her opinion.

“I might be blond, but I went to Stanford, dammit,” Carlson insisted. “Steve Doocy is the real dumbfuck of the show. His carpet definitely matches the drapes, and even he thinks it’s retarded.”

Meanwhile, Guirard insisted the album is more than just a cheap publicity stunt.

Guirard said, “My purpose in creating the CD was to spread my conservative political philosophy – and that of tens of millions of fellow Americans – in a hip, memorable, and inspirational format.”

This isn’t Guirard’s first foray into the music world. He wrote the “Tigers to the Top” song for the 1981 LSU men’s basketball Final Four team.

Guirard also penned the 1990 classic tome 101 Uses for Fat People.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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