Life Lesson #3: Dating

In the past couple of months, I’ve helped you move out on your own and get a job. You’re welcome.

If you’re ready to take the next step toward living a more perfect life, you might be thinking about dating, but finding a date can be a challenge. Traditionally, people met their mates in bars, maybe sometimes even at church, but people are increasingly turning to the internet to play matchmaker.

The only problem is that most of the people looking for dates online are whores, crazy, or both.[1] While it may be true that most people outside of the internet are also crazy whores without home training, something about the anonymity of the internet brings these characteristics to the surface. A quick glance at tonight’s Craigslist postings finds every kink and fetish imaginable, right here in Baton Rouge “” things I couldn’t possibly repeat in a family magazine like this one.

Something like 20% of couples who got married last year met online. I even met Mr. Judge Mental online all those years ago, but before I met him, I met my fair share of psychological case studies.

If you don’t emerge from your online dating adventures with at least one great bad date story, then rest assured you’re someone else’s awesomely awful dating story.

I once went to the movies with a man, and he held my hand. I thought that was nice, until he wrapped my hand around his, um, yeah, which was outside his pants. I recoiled, and after the movie, he said he didn’t want to see me again. I was heartbroken, obviously.

Another time (it was November in Utah), my date rolled down the window.

“Are you getting warm?” I asked.

“Nah, just farted.”

I asked a few friends, during the four minutes I spent preparing and researching to write this article, and my friend Dominique told me this gem: She jokingly told a date she was psychic, and the guy started to cry.

Apparently, she had reminded him of the evil ball of light that visited his room when he was 16. He kept yelling, “In the name of Jesus Christ, leave this place!”

As hot as undiagnosed mental illness is, they did not have a second date.

As you can see, the first date bar has been set fairly low. As long as you don’t talk about your love for pimple-popping, bring your mom, mention your ambiguous genitalia, or offer to show your date your collection of slightly used Star Wars-themed blow-up dolls, you have a chance at impressing that crazy, no-home-training whore.

If you don’t emerge from your online dating adventures with at least one great bad date story, then rest assured you’re someone else’s awesomely awful dating story.


[1] sweeping generalization, but still probably true

About Mrs. Judge Mental

Avatar
Mrs. Judge Mental, Your Professional Life Coachâ„¢, is a noted expert in absolutely nothing. She is, however, ready to solve your problems using only a foot of dental floss, a toothpick, and Wikipedia.

Check Also

Relationship Expert Suggests Line Dancing, Catfishing for Dating Success

Johnson reached out to The Red Shtick to request that we do him the pleasure of interviewing him, and I obliged, if only because he must have no idea what kind of website this is.