Beef Up Your Menu

Asian-sad-cowHave you ever felt like you had to be drunk to do something? Welcome to this month’s article”¦

Before I get started, I feel the need to affirm one thing, even though it only makes what I am going to say seem even worse: I love Asian food. Some of my favorite foods are Asian foods. I have pork fried rice every week, and don’t even get me started on pho, but “¦

It’s cow; it doesn’t matter how old it is. As delicious as veal is, it could be human for all I care.

Every Chinese takeout restaurant I have ever been in has the exact same pictures of food. I don’t know if it’s part of the Communist regime, but from Asian Wok to Szechuan Panda, they all have the same picture of Beef and Broccoli With Lo Mein that looks like it came from a 1978 World Book Encyclopedia “¦ and it’s always No. 13. ALWAYS!

Mix it up; put a newspaper in the menu like you would with a ransom note so I know that you have your own vision of General Tso’s Chicken.

Also, why is it that nobody in these restaurants has even a basic knowledge of English “¦ except when it’s time to give the price? I have to say “small Sesame Chicken” five times only to hear “large Sweet and Sour Pork” back, but when it’s time to say $7.94, it has the clarity of James Earl Jones saying “This is CNN.”

 

BabyCows-SouthParkI heard someone talking about veal earlier. He said: “I always loved veal, until I found out what it was “¦”

What? You found out it was delicious?! It’s cow; it doesn’t matter how old it is. As delicious as veal is, it could be human for all I care.

You can’t act like you are too good to eat veal while wearing a shirt that was made in a sweatshop by some kid making a nickel a week and talking on your iPhone that the same kid makes on his off day from sewing your sweater vest. Embrace Malaysian shirt craftsmanship and the people that bring us delicious baby cows!

Think about the trauma that guy has to go through every day preparing the veal. You think it’s easy for him? If you don’t savor each tender, delicious bite, then that guy is throwing his life away and being a veal farmer for no reason.

If you love America, eat veal and throw out your crappy old iPhone and buy a new fresh one.

If you love America, eat veal and throw out your crappy old iPhone and buy a new fresh one.

 

I’d like to unveil a new segment called “Friendly Advice.” If you don’t want to get your car spit on, don’t double park. I understand you scrimped and saved for your ’99 BMW that still has the paper tags in the back, but here’s the thing: I don’t want to hit your car.

Park in the damn space. Double parking might mean you don’t have to worry about door dings, but you will have to scrub the windows to get the saliva off, unless I have been drinking, in which case you will have a helmet impression on your front glass.

 

I keep seeing signs touting that the McRib is back. Folks, if it were that good, they would have it year-round.

It isn’t like a tangerine. There is no rib season. You can get ribs anytime. It’s not like they are waiting for the first rib bloom of the year.

It’s a compressed meat patty formed to look like ribs. To me, it looks like the ribs from Operation slathered in BBQ sauce. If you buy a McRib, you should try for Water on the Knee next for a real challenge.

About Sunny Weathers

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Sunny Weathers is not fit to serve in any capacity as a juror or babysitter. And yes, that really is his last name.

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