Life Lesson #1: Get a Job, Damn It.

People often tell me, “Professional Life Coachâ„¢, your life is so fantastic. How can I have a life as wonderful as yours?”*

keep-calm-and-get-a-jobEvery time I hear this, my response is the same: “You’re just doing it all wrong.”

When I was asked to share my Life Coach Secretsâ„¢ with the readers of Red Shtick, I knew I had found my calling.

If you’re going to live a good life, one that includes not eating out of dumpsters and owning a toilet of your very own, you’re going to need a job. Some advice books will tell you to look deep within yourself and figure out what color your parachute is, but for now, you really just need to make some money so you can move out of your parents’ old travel trailer.

If you’re going to live a good life, one that includes not eating out of dumpsters and owning a toilet of your very own, you’re going to need a job.

You have to make yourself presentable to people who might be willing to pay you money: first on paper and then in person.

If you’re applying for the kinds of jobs that require resumes, you’re going to have to write one of those. Use this one page to highlight your professional accomplishments. Try to spell accomplishments correctly.

If you don’t have any accomplishments, make something up. Everyone else does. Just make your lies plausible, and get fake references to back up all your fake jobs.

If you’re going to be filling out applications at places like fast-food restaurants and grocery stores, most of the applications are going to ask for the same basic information. Your name, for instance. Write that stuff down someplace so each application won’t take you two hours, because the Circle K manager is totally going to throw your application away if you take too long.

These applications also are going to ask you why you left your last job. Worst answer: “A misunderstanding behind sex.” Best answer: “Resigned with notice.” You decide what to write.

Whether for filling out applications or dressing for interviews, you’ve got to look presentable. Go to Goodwill or K-Mart, or borrow clothes from a friend if you have to.

Some rules for application fashion:

  • A skirt’s length should always be greater than its width.
  • Never wear shorts.
  • Keep your bikini areas, tattoos, and nipple piercings covered.
  • Wear shoes.
  • Cut your hair, you damn hippie.
  • Take a bath. Don’t smell like an ashtray full of Black & Milds.
  • Make sure your hair, whether bought at the hair store or grown out of your scalp, is of a color found in nature.

Once you’ve landed your dream job, or a night shift at Cracker Barrel, as the case may be, come back next month for your next Life Lessonâ„¢.

* No one has ever actually said this to me, but I think people often think it.

About Mrs. Judge Mental

Mrs. Judge Mental, Your Professional Life Coachâ„¢, is a noted expert in absolutely nothing. She is, however, ready to solve your problems using only a foot of dental floss, a toothpick, and Wikipedia.

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