Loathe the Skin You’re In

Sunny-WeathersI had an attractive younger woman call me “Mister Sunny” for the first time. Not even when I attempted suicide have I wanted to cut my wrists that bad.

 

Dear Clothing Manufacturers,

Guys don’t need Male Models to wear the clothes we are looking at on your website. I’m not saying you need slobs like me; just put up a picture of the clothes, and we are all set. When I zoom in on a pair of swim trunks I am considering purchasing, I don’t need to see the shaved upper-pube V-region of a waiflike man who somehow manages to have to have 8-pack abs.

Sincerely,

Guy who now has questions about himself

Toplessness should be a privilege, not a right. There should be fitness tests and Government Topless Approval Panels.[/pullquote] 

August 21, 2011, was “National Topless Day”: a day when women demonstrated for the right to go topless in public just like men can. Shockingly, I am not in support of this. My reasons are twofold.

It makes boobs lose their specialness, just like after an hour in a strip club, you are no longer interested in the fact that there is a naked woman talking to you; all you see is an annoying broad trying to convince you to buy a drink for her.

I am a supporter of Topless Reform. Toplessness should be a privilege, not a right. There should be fitness tests and Government Topless Approval Panels. I understand I would lose my right to cut grass without a shirt, but sometimes you just have to take one for the team to help the greater good of humanity.

 

Casey Anthony is proof that you should never screw up on a slow news day. If you are thinking of doing something horrific, be flexible in your plan. Don’t say it’s a definite for next Tuesday; be willing to wait for a tsunami or bridge collapse. I don’t condone these things; I’m just saying be prepared.

 

If you have Trike (for those who don’t know, that is a motorcycle with 3 wheels), just buy a car. You aren’t cool enough to be a biker, but you aren’t lame enough to drive a minivan. Maybe you need a Fit car or a Fiat or something like that, but you lose the cool points of a bike if you don’t have to use balance.

I saw a guy walking down the street wearing a shirt that said: “I hate everyone.” Guess what, Stupid: That’s why you are walking. I don’t need a shirt; people can see it in my eyes.

I saw a guy walking down the street wearing a shirt that said: “I hate everyone.” Guess what, Stupid: That’s why you are walking. I don’t need a shirt; people can see it in my eyes.

 

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I used to shave my head because it was the cool haircut; now I shave my head because I have to.

Now it is really depressing, though. I have found that my self-confidence is in direct correlation to how recently I have shaved my head. Normally, I am good for four days, but on that fifth day “¦ I just know that the glare from the empty spot on my dome is like vagina kryptonite.

About Sunny Weathers

Sunny Weathers is not fit to serve in any capacity as a juror or babysitter. And yes, that really is his last name.

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