Hero Highlight

The blue ribbin’.

The Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson

America’s got plenty of problems and has made many mistakes, but any political hack can talk about unjustified wars and economic disparity. However, it takes a truly brave “Great American” to state that “one of the greatest mistakes that America made was to allow women the opportunity to vote.” In a 12-minute sermon recently published on YouTube, tea party activist the Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson boldly lamented women’s suffrage, pointing to it as the root cause of this country’s problems. He explained how women’s rise in power is causing the downfall of America. “We should have never turned [the vote] over to women,” Peterson said. “These women are voting for the wrong people. They’re voting for people who are evil, who agree with them, who are gonna take us down the pathway of destruction.” A valiant Peterson further proclaimed, “Men in the good old days understood the nature of women; …

Read More »

Egyptian Lawmakers

According to numerous international media reports, the land famous for preserving the bodies of its dead ancient leaders may soon pass a law that would allow husbands to have sex with the bodies of their deceased wives for up to six hours after death. The reports say that Egypt’s new Islamist-dominated parliament is preparing to introduce what’s being called the “farewell intercourse” law. Essentially, the bill would give a grieving widower the right to do what any loving husband feels compelled to do immediately after his wife’s passing: try to find solace through sex with her lifeless, yet still warm, corpse. The topic was apparently publicly broached in May of last year when Moroccan cleric Zamzami Abdul Bari said marriage remains valid even after death. Less than a year later, the internet and various news outlets are abuzz about Egypt taking the bold step of legalizing post-mortem intercourse. But why …

Read More »

Haley Wade

In this presidential primary season, we’ve seen political pandering taken to new heights, especially by Republican front-runner Mitt Romney. However, when it comes to sucking up to voters, this month’s Hero takes the urinal cake, namely because she complimented countless guys’ genitalia during restroom visits. Sure, the former governor of Massachusetts may be the most famous brownnosing office seeker today, but telling folks in Mississippi that he likes cheesy grits and saying “y’all” is nowhere near as brilliant a political strategy as the one employed by a female student at the University of Calgary. Haley Wade won the election for vice-president of student life with 50 percent of the vote after running a masterfully ingenious campaign that placed posters above men’s urinals. The posters showed a photo of Wade beaming with an approving smile and playfully pointing at the viewer. The posters also featured the tagline “Great dick bro!” … …

Read More »

St. Helena Parish

Not that long ago, St. Helena Parish was best known for a string of scandals involving its sheriffs, including one named “Gun” who helped run a chop shop. Now, though, it’s home to one of the most amusing small-town comedies involving naked women since The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. The spectacle in this case revolves around the sparsely populated parish’s two strip clubs: Oak Ridge Lounge and The Mansion. They’re only nine miles apart and straddle the village of Montpelier, which has a population of just over 200 yet still qualifies as St. Helena’s second-largest city. With that kind of strip-club-per-capita ratio, maybe it should be renamed “Mountpoler.” Moreover, St. Helena’s an extremely rural parish, populated mostly with Protestants, and it lacks even a single mile of roadway wider than two lanes. It’s like someone snuck a piece of Arkansas into South Louisiana. Nevertheless, despite its meager number of …

Read More »

Susanna Barrett

Pageant parents have become popular punching bags in America. However, one mom’s fighting back with a $30 million lawsuit against three media outlets for “brazenly attempt[ing] to sexualize” her 5-year-old daughter by posting a video of the girl performing LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It” at the New York City night spot Libation. Puppy boutique owner Susanna Barrett is bravely defending the good name of her daughter, Toddlers & Tiaras star Isabella Barrett, by suing TMZ.com, The Huffington Post, and London’s Daily Mail. Barrett filed the libel suit against the journalistic juggernauts in Manhattan Supreme Court late last month for scandalous online articles published about the girl, claiming “she was “˜gyrating’ at a “˜nightclub’ and singing “˜about her sex appeal.'” Barrett is totally justified in seeking $30 million. The video clearly shows the kindergartner was actually sitting down in a nightclub/bistro while simply singing a song titled “I’m Sexy …

Read More »

J&D Foods

After much cajoling by the public, the folks at J&D Foods in Seattle have launched the world’s first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil. Thanks to the people who also make Bacon Salt and Baconnaise, bacon lovers (literally) can now order Baconlube, which has many more uses than even its creators seemingly realize. The company’s website says, “Baconlube started as an elaborate April Fool’s prank and was never intended to be a real product. But when the joke ended, the emails kept coming. People harassed us via email, in public, and in highly inappropriate ways.” What J&D’s people don’t seem to recognize is that they’ve created a product with a plethora of uses. Baconlube is almost as versatile as baking soda. They just don’t know it yet. Are you worried that the Middle Eastern guy you’re about to shag may be a jihadist looking for one last fling with an …

Read More »