Off the Wire

The Great Big Story from our proprietary news service.

Guest Columnist: Edita Frostbush – President, Baton Rouge Ayn Rand Fan Club

Dear Honest, Hardworking Baton Rougeans, I have always believed that what I work hard to produce is mine to enjoy. When my children were born, they cried like the selfish loafers they were for my milk. And I denied them of it, knowing it would teach them self-reliance. What happened? The state, the government, the communists came and took them, giving them to people less than I to be pampered and made fat on the spoils of others. Where are they now? More than likely, suckling at the teat of the bloated and impotent sow we call city hall. Once again, we profitable few stand witness to the sow once again raising its head from its loins only to dive tusks first into the trough that is the pockets of its citizens. The CATS initiative passed with a hefty margin, extracting tens of dollars from the pockets of successful homeowners …

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Senate Passes Bill Requiring Artwork Before Abortion

The Louisiana Senate approved legislation that would force women wanting to terminate their pregnancies to first make charcoal sketches of their unborn children. State Senator Sharon Weston Broome, D-Baton Rouge, said the measure she sponsored would ensure all the necessary art supplies would be on hand in the examination room and would require the physician to approve of the woman’s craftsmanship before performing the procedure.Senators advanced Senate Bill 769 by a vote of 33 to 5 last month. The measure is expected to pass easily through the House of Representatives and eventually be signed by Governor Bobby Jindal. Broome said SB 769 is similar to legislation passed by Texas legislators last year that requires women in that state to make finger paintings depicting the fetuses they wish to abort.

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Guest Column: “The Truth Behind the So-Called ‘War on Women'” – Kim Trails, Conspiracy Theorist

I love how people are talking about this whole war on women, like it really exists. Well, don’t believe what the Zionist-controlled media tells you! Despite what you may have heard, Republicans are not really making a concerted effort to take away women’s rights, even though it may look like it on the surface. But there’s a deeper, more disturbing, underlying truth that the establishment doesn’t want you to discover! First, let’s take a look at all the purported “evidence” that the GOP is trying to set women back 50 years. For starters, there are all those transvaginal ultrasound bills in various states that would make a woman get a 10-inch probe stuck in her hoo-ha before getting an abortion. Of course, they were all introduced by Republicans, or so we’re told. Then in Tennessee, Republican Representative Matthew Hill allegedly sponsored House Bill 3808, known as the Life Defense Act. …

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Guest Column: “Jindal Should Have the Decency to at Least Give the Teachers’ Unions a Reach Around” – Linus, the Politically Astute Homosexual

O-M-G! After what I’ve seen in the last few weeks at the State Capitol, I never want to date Governor Bobby Jindal. He has got to be the most inconsiderate lover on the planet. And I’ve been in prison, so that’s really saying a lot, girlfriend! Seriously, those poor public school teachers have been treated like a piece of fresh meat that dropped the soap in the shower. It’s bad enough that they have to deal every day with little heathens in their classrooms that deserve to be in prison. (I’m looking at you, you goddamn breeders!) Now the governor is treating them like his bitch? He may have only three biological children, but he’s become the “daddy” to countless educators. (Oh, snap!) Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve been bent over and nailed so hard I couldn’t see straight so many times, I’ve lost count. And with very few …

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Jindal Cited in Not Picking Up Legislative Lapdog’s Excrement

The Great Big Story Governor Bobby Jindal was reprimanded by BREC officials after he failed to properly dispose of a legislative ally’s feces during an outing at the popular Raising Cane’s Dog Park at City Park last month. Jindal was reportedly taking Rep. Steve Carter (R-Baton Rouge) out for a walk and some exercise after the House Education Committee chairman had been cooped up all day in the State Capitol chairing meetings. Witnesses said Carter dropped a rather sizable pile of solid waste in the park not long after arriving with the governor. He then allegedly spent the next several minutes frolicking about the park and sniffing rear ends. [pullquote]“The governor was just really distracted that day,” Plotkin said. “From now on, he’ll make sure Policy Director Stafford Palmieri does the scooping.”[/pullquote] Jindal reportedly took Carter back to the Capitol without cleaning up the mess. Officials with BREC later called …

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LA Legislature to Star in Deep Throat Remake

The Louisiana Legislature has been cast in the starring role of an updated version of the legendary adult film Deep Throat. Vivid Entertainment owner Steven Hirsch said the legislature was the perfect choice to reprise the role made famous by Linda Lovelace in the groundbreaking movie originally released in 1972. “They’re perfect for this project,” Hirsch said. “Since the start of this legislative session, they’ve been getting the governor’s huge agenda shoved down their throat, and they’ve taken it like a champ. I wish I had more performers like that on contract.” Hirsch said he also was considering offering a four-movie deal to the State Capitol building. “Have you seen that thing?” Hirsch exclaimed. “It is hung! And apparently has no trouble staying hard, either.”

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