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Reel Dirt

The truth – and then some. Musings about Hollywood from the Godfather of Droll, James Brown.

For a good time call…

Looking for a good time? Don’t call Emma Watson. Or Google her. So you may have heard about a recent announcement declaring that Emma Watson is the biggest risk in cyberville. I would have said cyberspace but everything seems really close now. Anyway, if you do an Internet search for Emma “Little Miss Know-it-all Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter movies” Watson, you have a one-in-eight chance of landing on a malicious site1. That’s almost as high a chance of landing a sexual partner with AIDS in the Greater Baton Rouge area2. You land yourself on one of these sites, and you might get your personal information zapped from your computer or subject yourself to the possibility of some other type of online fraud. So do yourself a favor, go out and buy yourself a dirty magazine.  Your computer will be safe, and you won’t catch anything – as long …

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Cinematic Brain Freeze

Summer is in full swing and so are the big movies. Already a front-runner for the year, Avengers has made box office history, breaking records in both dexterous and sinister fashions. It’s one of the few movies that will guarantee itself five sequels, with each of the principals getting his or her own movie. Granted, they’re continuing named franchises, but what were Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America if not just appetizers for the main event? It’s summertime, which means things at the box office are about to get C-R-A-Z-Y. Who would have expected Avengers to break the $200 million budget barrier? Well, besides me, I mean. And June is going to be full of movies that have built expectations to a height that one could reasonably call stratospheric. Snow White and the Huntsman! Ridley Scott’s new Alien “¦ er “¦ Prometheus movie! A new Pixar movie! Dogs and cats …

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Summer Springs Forward

May is here, which means that summer has officially started. Well, as far as Hollywood is concerned, summer has arrived. According to astronomers and “¦ um “¦ nature, summer doesn’t start until June 21 or so. According to the kids these days, it doesn’t start until school is over for the year. And by the rules that Hollywood was playing with until just recently, the summer movie season started around Memorial Day. These past few years, what with Spidey 3, Iron Man, Star Trek, and Thor all coming out in early May, they’ve opened up the summer movie duration to the wee weeks of May. This year, that trend continues with the rip-roaring superhero blowout movie, The Avengers. I shouldn’t have to tell you about this film. With the stars of half the previously mentioned movies in it, and the other half rumored to have roles in the sequels, I …

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That Old Sinking Feeling…

Nowadays, the big thing is to rerelease movies in 3-D. OK, maybe it’s not THE big thing, but it’s definitely ONE big thing. We’ve seen The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Star Wars: Phantom Menace, and most recently, a movie that lives up to its name, Titanic. It’s not like these movies didn’t make their respective studios enough money; they’re all proven successes, which is why they are being rereleased in 3-D. Studios are spending money three-dimensionalizing these movies, so they want to see how exactly the 3-D experience measures up to the standard moviegoing experience. Is it worth it to produce movies in 3-D in the future? Well, there’s a major factor they’re missing out on. Pornography has always been the deciding factor when it comes to new video formats. The porn industry went with VHS, ergo death to Beta. It was the famous Porn Push of ’99 …

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C

C is the Roman numeral for 100. And today’s article is sponsored by the letter C. Can you say “C,” boys and girls? I know you can. 100 “” for one quarter of the famous film The 400 Blows … which is not a porno. 100 “” for the 100 stars you get when you have two American flags. 100 “” for the perfect score Man On Wire got on the Rotten Tomatoes film site. 100%. Certified Fresh, indeed. (Toy Story 2 also got 100%, but a higher percentage of site users liked the tightrope-walking film over the Pixar flick. Don’t ask me why; facts is facts.) 100 “” for the number of “Reel Dirt” articles I’ve written, this one included. And yes, in case you haven’t heard, I wrote all those earlier ones under the name Jimmy Faux. I took certain liberties with a lot of that. I exaggerated …

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An Octennial Supply of Dirt

And boy, are my fingernails dirty! Eight years! I can scarcely believe it. And eight is a special number. It is a power of two (two cubed, in case you were wondering), it is the number of folds in the Buddhist path to enlightenment, and it’s the number of years I’ve been writing this column! Though only 18 months under my own name. In that time, we’ve seen Louisiana push its way into the smoke-filled room where Hollywood deals are struck. We’ve seen storytelling in movies and television hit unprecedented highs and lows. And we’ve seen a despicable rise in both reality television ratings and emphasis on 3-D movies. Well, we here at Red Shtick have been around for eight years, commenting on politics, cultural events, and productions of the creative arts. With “Reel Dirt” in particular, I hope you have been entertained and at least a little bit informed. …

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