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Horrorscopes

The universe is talking; are you listening?

Mythology: It’s Greek to Me

Opa, Red Shtickers! It’s May, and this month on the 12th, the Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church will be kicking off the inaugural Baton Rouge Greek Festival downtown. Expect all kinds of Greek food, music, and other cultural points of interest. “Knick, why are you so jazzed about this?” my dear readers may be asking. Because this is the “Horrorscopes,” and we must, time to time, give a shout out to the ridiculous idea that the positions of the stars and planets in the night sky as viewed from Earth around 2,000 years ago actually has any bearing on what happens to us on a day-to-day basis. Occasionally, the Greeks (who had little in the form of entertainment before the advent of smashable plates and ouzo) would look up in the night sky and notice patterns of stars that resembled animals. Taken as a whole, this “circle of animals” or …

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As High as the Stars

Hello, all you loyal Red Shtickers out there. And a special “how do you do” to all of you reading this while waiting for food at one of Baton Rouge’s many classy eating establishments, or perhaps I should say “¦ “high”? It’s April again, and since we missed out on celebrating April Fools’ Day together, we might as well give a quiet but knowing nod to April’s other notorious holiday, 4/20. What did you think I was going to say “” Easter? Or even more laughably, Earth Day? My goodness, no. We are all adults here (except for those of you reading this because your parents gave it to you to keep you quiet while the waiter pushed the tables together), and statistically, 39.8% of people in the U.S. have tried the devil’s weed at some point. Subtracting children and elderly people, for whom marijuana was restricted to jazz musicians …

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The Departed

One hundred issues! No, I’m not talking about my last psych evaluation. If you’re like the average RSM reader and ignored everything else in the magazine to get to the brilliantly penned “Horrorscopes,” you might not have realized you’re holding the 100th issue of Red Shtick Magazine. That’s quite the milestone. During that time, we’ve had many loyal readers, but just as important, we’ve had many loyal advertisers. Local businesses that know deep down that Baton Rouge has an audience for intelligent satirical news. As it happens, that audience is often waiting to get a seat at a restaurant or bar, getting their tires changed, or in the middle of a sigmoidoscopy. The point is they’re captive and ready to be fed advertising that will worm its way into their subconsciousness until the time comes when they need a specific good or service. They won’t know what it was that …

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On a Wing in Need of a Prayer

Jeezum Crow! Is it February already?! I need to get my inspection sticker renewed. Plenty of time this year because we’re getting an extra day. That’s right, it’s a leap year. Happy 24th birthday, Grandpa! See you at Mom’s house on the 29th. But seriously, we need to take a moment to recognize the special reason this month was set aside for commemoration here in the U.S. I still remember the moving speech put forth by Illinois 10th District Representative John Edward Porter on that somber day in 1994: “Mr. Speaker, I would like to recognize February, one of the most difficult months in the United States for wild birds, as National Bird Feeding Month.” What’d you expect, a resolution concerning Black History Month? The man’s a Republican. If a child interrupted him during his lunch break in the park to share a Black History Month fact with him, the …

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Make Your Last Year Count!

Happy New Year!!! It’s 2012, and we still have no commercially viable jet packs. But we do have something special to look forward to this year: the apocalypse. And not some run-of-the-mill, Christian, religious apocalypse like Harold Camping missed the mark on last year (twice, I might add). No, this time, it’s the Mayans that are the architects of our demise. Don’t try and deny it with your cold logic about how ridiculous eschatology in general is, or that fistful of facts that everyone and his mother has picked up about the Mayan long-form calendar from the History Channel. (It’s just the end of the calendar, like December 31; aren’t you frigging clever?) NO! I was denied Y2K in 1999, I was denied by Harold “I speak directly to God” Camping last year (twice), and I will not be denied my apocalypse this year! I’m hoping this is the one …

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