Trump Instructs NASA to Tell Aliens He’s Awesome

President Donald Trump wants the agency best known for launching spaceships with booster rockets to launch an extraterrestrial campaign to boost his approval rating.

NASA’s newest mission: Ensure any and all potential intelligent alien life learns that Trump did the “impossible” by defeating Hillary Clinton and has become the “greatest president in the history of the entire universe.”

In addition to instructing the space agency to continuously broadcast into outer space English-only messages bragging about himself, his business accomplishments, and his presidency, Trump wants NASA to launch multiple probes equipped to do the same.

According to NASA’s acting Administrator Robert Lightfoot, Trump was reportedly inspired to try a bold approach to enhance his lagging approval ratings after learning that both Voyager spacecrafts launched in 1977 were equipped with golden records to inform extraterrestrial beings about life and culture on Earth.

“While the president wants us to tell them that he’s the greatest thing since the Big Bang, he also wants our messages to include an admonition to stay away unless they’re from what he considers a desirable homeworld.”

“Someone made the mistake of telling the president about Voyager 1 and 2 each having a golden record to tell aliens that might come across them about humanity and our achievements. Now he’s obsessed with telling them about him and his achievements,” Lightfoot said.

The fact that the records are gold-plated made him want to pursue the mission even more, Lightfoot explained.

“The guy really likes gold. Almost as much as he likes himself,” he stated.

Lightfoot added that, while the president wants all life in the cosmos to be thoroughly impressed by him, Trump also told NASA to make sure any potential extraterrestrials don’t mistake the communications as an open invitation.

“Mr. Trump said he doesn’t want ‘a bunch of aliens’ bringing all their ‘problems’ to America,” Lightfoot said. “While the president wants us to tell them that he’s the greatest thing since the Big Bang, he also wants our messages to include an admonition to stay away unless they’re from what he considers a desirable homeworld.”

For instance, Lightfoot said Trump told him he’s OK with “good aliens” arriving from places like “the planet Norway.”

 

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Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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