The Red Shtick Pocket Guide to Avoiding Sexual Allegations

It’s a wacky modern dystopia we live in, where prominent men of power, wealth, and fame are being openly accused of sexual misconduct left and right. You, the healthy, straight, all-American male must be asking yourself: “How do I know what I can get away with around my female colleagues?”

Fear not! The Red Shtick is here with a handy guide to keeping your good name clean and out of everyone’s news feeds.

First and foremost, avoid drugging and raping women you know, whether you’ve known them for years or just met (i.e., in a bar). Further, avoid drugging and raping women you don’t know (particularly in your hotel room or in a bar).

Matter of fact, perhaps avoid rape altogether as it is generally frowned upon by the constabulary and specifically frowned upon by the victims.

Handshakes are fine. Hugs are a gray area generally reserved for well-known acquaintances who’ve initiated hugs in the past. Dry humping is a flat-out no-no, particularly when greeting strangers or high-priority business associates.

Second, avoid displaying your genitals to people when you aren’t completely sure they want to see your genitals. For instance: A person enters your office, and you ask them to close the door. When they turn back around, your genitals are out of your pants (turgid or flaccid, doesn’t matter).

Funny? Of course. But humor, especially in the workplace, is highly subjective.

This should also extend to unsolicited photographs of your genitals.

“But the ladies never ask me to send them any of my well-lit photos of my junk!”

Yes.

Third, as a rule, avoid touching things that don’t belong to you. This especially applies to body parts (unless pre- or midcoitus; again: see rule one), no matter how tenderly you approach the subject. Handshakes are fine. Hugs are a gray area generally reserved for well-known acquaintances who’ve initiated hugs in the past. Dry humping is a flat-out no-no, particularly when greeting strangers or high-priority business associates.

Finally, avoid referencing other people’s body parts outside the context of either pointing out injuries or pre- or midcoitus (once again, see rule one). If a person has a shapely figure, she most likely achieved it through hard work and is aware of it. Revealing clothing can make these moments extra-confusing.

“Her breasts are readily displayed. Isn’t complimenting her obvious point of pride only polite?”

Remember the example of a car show. The owners of those fine automobiles take pride in their appearance and have spent many hours washing and polishing them for the delight of others, all without the willingness to let you drive them. Perhaps offer the person coffee and mild conversation, which may eventually lead to coitus and the opportunity to vocally commend her on her efforts.

So now that you know how to behave, what are you to do about your constant sexual urges? After all, a regular sex drive is a sign of good overall mental and physical health.

Masturbate.

Following your self-release, you should notice an increase in clarity of thought combined with a decreased desire to ruin someone’s life.

There is a wealth of indexed, free, and well-produced pornography available on your phone via the internet. Take your phone to a private area (remember rule two) where you will be undisturbed for the duration, and beat your meat like you caught it stealing beer.

Thanks to search engines, you can find virtually any subject you can imagine to spank it to. In fact, you may find pornography featuring a performer similar in appearance to the subject you wish to grope/flash/rape/compliment. Following your self-release, you should notice an increase in clarity of thought combined with a decreased desire to ruin someone’s life.

It is important to note that you should in no way follow your activity by informing the individual that you just masturbated to a pornographic video that reminded you of her. Complimentary or not, it loosely falls under all four rules while simultaneously avoiding them all.

This can get confusing very quickly, so remember: If you aren’t sure how to act around someone, stick to the three S’s: Spank it, Spank it, Spank it.

 

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About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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