OCTOBER HORRORSCOPES: Look at My Big, Nuclear Halloweenie

It’s October, Red Shtickers! This means two things: 1) You can start Christmas shopping in earnest, and 2) It’s time to decide on a Halloween costume. Since I don’t know anyone on your Christmas list, allow me to help you with item No. 2.

If you are a female between the ages of 16 and 45, then you have the option of taking any profession, celebrity, household item, etc., and turning it into a whore, then calling it a costume. If you are a male accompanying said female, then just match her outfit with some semi-humorous get-up.

However, there are those of you who want to branch out from the norm and be “funny,” “witty,” or “clever.” You’ve already planned out your stabbed-cereal-box-covered T-shirt with “cereal killer” written in blood, or written “Nudist Protester” on a piece of poster board to hang around your neck. This is unimaginative bullshit. Don’t do this.

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): “MAGA Trump” (Accessories: A red MAGA cap; you should be able to find one in the garbage outside of most union halls) — Walk around the party to any complicated activity that you know nothing about. Say “This is very easy,” then fail instantly at the activity. Then say “This is very complicated; a lot of people don’t know that” and wander off, leaving the activity in shambles. Repeat.

Thankfully, we have a president who provides us with a new costume idea on a daily basis. So head to your nearest Spirit Halloween store, pick up the Trump mask of your choice for $12.99, and pick one of these versions of our semi-elected, whacked-out moron in chief to set yourself apart from all the nonspecific Trumps that are guaranteed to be at whatever party you go to this October 31.

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): “MAGA Trump” (Accessories: A red MAGA cap; you should be able to find one in the garbage outside of most union halls) — Walk around the party to any complicated activity that you know nothing about. Say “This is very easy,” then fail instantly at the activity. Then say “This is very complicated; a lot of people don’t know that” and wander off, leaving the activity in shambles. Repeat.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): “Fat-assed Golfer Trump” (Accessories: white polo shirt, oversized and stuffed khakis, red cap, white golf glove) — Breathe heavily as you waddle up to every woman you see and criticize her figure. Issue vague threats against Scotland.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “Scared Shitless Inauguration Trump” (Accessories: black overcoat, red tie affixed in a poorly executed Windsor knot in the fashion of a 10-year-old at his first Communion, hostage wife in a powder blue attempt at Jackie O) — Sit quietly on the edge of a chair all night with your hands between your knees as you stare off into the middle distance, thinking about how you’re going to spend your final years stripped of your free will. Also think about all the stuff Obama just told you about the aliens, daily assassination attempts, your responsibility for the lives of billions, and your utter incompetence. Don’t worry; you’ll have forgotten all of this by tomorrow.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): “Pussy-Grabber Trump” (Accessories: Megaphone) — Act normal, but whenever you have something private or embarrassing to whisper to a single individual, yell it through the megaphone at their face. Suffer no ill effects for this.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): “Democrat Trump” (Accessories: maroon tie, black overcoat) — Espouse liberal ideas as if they were your own. Appear in Home Alone 2 and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Invite the Clintons to your wedding. Realize none of this has moved you up in New York society. Become a “Republican.”

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): “Foodie Trump” (Accessories: cans of Coca-Cola, Big Macs, KFC, well-done steaks, two scoops of ice cream) — Eat copious amounts of garbage while bragging about how healthy you are. Allow your friends to have a single scoop of ice cream. Criticize any food at the party that required time, effort, or quality ingredients.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): “Hand-Holding-Fail Trump” (Accessories: a sham marriage) — Walk up beside random women and lick your palm before breathing open-mouthed into it so it gets warm and moist. Awkwardly attempt to hold their hands so they snatch them away. Repeat.

TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): “Very Fine People Trump” (Accessories: tiki torches; swastika armband; a big, fat, stupid mouth) — Check the obituaries for murder victims. Go to their wakes and talk about how nice they were, but spend more time talking about how nice their murderer is. Incredulously disagree with their surviving family members and friends.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): “Debate Stalker Trump”  (Accessories: microphone, scowl, squeaky shoes) — Follow people around the party just a little too closely. Yell “Wrong” while they talk to other guests.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): “Pee Party Trump” (Accessories: hookers, gallons of piss, hidden cameras, Russia) — Sit on the couch and have the hookers douse you in urine; this can be theirs or prepared bottles (your host won’t care either way). Insist you’re a germaphobe who constantly washes his hands, so this can’t really be happening.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): “Denham Springs Trump” (Accessories: Play-doh, discomfort) — Ask trick-or-treaters if their home and personal belongings were lost in last year’s flood. Give them Play-Doh and MAGA hats. Do absolutely nothing else. Quickly leave. Receive their mindless adoration.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): “Debate Stalker Trump”  (Accessories: microphone, scowl, squeaky shoes) — Follow people around the party just a little too closely. Yell “Wrong” while they talk to other guests.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): “Paper Towel Trump” (Accessories: black windbreaker, paper towels) — Find someone at the absolute bottom of their barrel. Insult them. Throw paper towels at them. Tell them you solved their problem. Leave.

 

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Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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