ANALYSIS: You’re Protesting All Wrong

There seems to be a surge of Americans exercising their First Amendment rights to assemble and speak their views about various issues. We believe this is a good thing.

However, many, if not all, of these Americans are protesting incorrectly, according to the country’s foremost protest experts: white people with nothing to protest who have never protested anything in their lives.

Like the old saying goes: Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach. And social media is replete with those who definitely can’t, and therefore are eminently qualified to instruct those doing the doing.

In order to help those wishing to protest learn proper demonstration etiquette, we’ve gathered the various critiques of protesting methods offered by dispassionate, status-quo-loving white Americans (aka “The Emily Posts of Protesting”) and boiled them down into a comprehensive tutorial on how to properly protest in America today.

The American flag they shed blood defending stands for liberty, truth, and justice, so don’t dishonor it by taking the liberty to speak truth about injustice.

The first thing you should know about protesting correctly is that you should only protest against things that promote change. Most people are scared of change. In fact, many Americans, especially those who wield any amount of political power, feel threatened by the prospect of upheaval. That’s why, if you’re going to demonstrate in opposition to something, be sure it’s against something that advances even the slightest notion of progress.

Conversely, an ideal cause promotes keeping things the same. Or better yet, be vocal about wanting to go back to the “good ol’ days.”

Now that you know what to protest for and/or against, you need to know proper protesting decorum, as laid out by the aforementioned authorities on appropriate demonstrations.

Let’s start with the cardinal sin of protesting: refusing to stand up for the national anthem. For heaven’s sake, if you’re a professional athlete concerned about injustice in America, DO NOT sit down or take a knee while “The Star-Spangled Banner” is played or sung before a sporting event.

Millions of Americans have fought too hard to defend your right to speak your mind for you to speak your mind, at least in that manner. The American flag they shed blood defending stands for liberty, truth, and justice, so don’t dishonor it by taking the liberty to speak truth about injustice. Too many brave men died standing up against Nazis and fascism for your freedom to not stand up.

But this doesn’t mean you should do the same.

In fact, the country’s protest experts agree that you should NOT stand up against Nazis and fascists, even if thousands of them invade your hometown and spew their vile ideology. That’s because counterprotesters are now viewed by the experts as equally bad as the people they’re protesting.

Moreover, counterprotesters likely will be marching alongside at least a handful of Black Lives Matter or Antifa activists, and our experts say there’s no distinction between them and groups like the KKK or neo-Nazis. So if you do counterprotest, and one of those Nazis or white supremacists kills you, you’ll be held equally at fault in causing your own death by being a racist asshole social justice warrior.

Instead, America’s protest gurus insist you should be more responsible and stay at home, rather than “looking for trouble” while Nazis march in your streets. They’re looking to intimidate people, so just oblige them by laying low. Sure, people like Tomi Lahren will criticize your generation for being a bunch of wusses, but at least you’ll be a wuss who’s still alive.

Americans who died fighting Nazis in Europe decades ago are heroes from the Greatest Generation and are worthy of our never-ceasing reverence, while young people who stand up to Nazis on American soil today are just racist BLM Antifa assholes who are just as bad as the Nazis.

Nevertheless, don’t solely advocate for your social or political cause simply by posting about it online. Nobody respects a keyboard warrior. If you feel strongly about something, you should take real, but very limited, action.

For instance, you want to make sure your message doesn’t make the majority of Americans uncomfortable. Protest scholars maintain that you want to steer clear of expressing controversial ideas like the concept of white privilege.

You also want to ensure your actions don’t inconvenience others (i.e., “the majority”). The last thing you want to do is turn these people off to your argument by drawing attention to your argument.

So, to recap:

  • Advocate to preserve the status quo, or for regression to earlier times.
  • Be quiet and stay out of the way.
  • Don’t make the establishment uncomfortable.
  • Take very limited, establishment-approved action.
  • Stand up for the national anthem.
  • Don’t stand up to Nazis.

Remember, Americans who died fighting Nazis in Europe decades ago are heroes from the Greatest Generation and are worthy of our never-ceasing reverence, while young people who stand up to Nazis on American soil today are just racist BLM Antifa assholes who are just as bad as the Nazis.

 

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About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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