ATF Raids Child Sex Ring on Mars

JOHNSON CITY, MARS — Just after dawn local time, agents from the ATF — supported by assets from the Air Force — raided NASA’s secret Mars colony after reports surfaced of a child sex ring operating on the red planet.

For years, rumors of sexually inappropriate contact around Uranus had circulated among law enforcement (and other) communities, but a child sex ring on Mars took everyone by surprise when news of it recently broke.

“There were just … so many children,” said agent Stanley Tim, of the ATF. “And so much sex. With the children, obviously. I mean, there might have been some adults having sex with adults. We didn’t really notice. It was mostly the sex with children we noticed.

“And, unfortunately, we weren’t able to make any arrests.”

“Why would you ship kids across the vastness of space to some secret colony, just so some sicko could have sex with them? Who’s paying for all this? How’d it even start? Just … Why?”

Jurisdictional issues appear to have tripped up the agency.

“We got so hot and bothered when we heard they were buggering kids out where the only violent penetration that’s supposed to be happening is between rovers and rocks, we didn’t really think things through. We just called up the Air Force and asked if they had any secret Mars missions we could get in on. And off we went.

“We didn’t stop to consider whether the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives and 8-track Tapes was really the appropriate law enforcement agency to intervene in matters of interplanetary child sex trafficking. Or whether our laws even apply here. We tried Googling ‘laws that apply to Mars,’ but it takes, like, an hour or something to Google anything out here. Some kind of lag thing and the vast distances of space, they told me. But I think they just have really shitty Wi-Fi. Maybe they’re on a cellular data plan, and they get metered?”

The leader of the colony, Leopold Victor, appeared to confirm aspects of Tim’s story.

“I don’t know what they were thinking,” Victor said. “We might’ve been scared if we’d seen some FBI jackets, but fact is, the only guns we keep on hand are for hunting space yeti, and we’ve got permits for every one of those (guns). We don’t drink alcohol, since most of us are more into designer drugs. Nobody smokes tobacco on this planet, we’ve got no explosives and we disposed of all our 8-tracks in accordance with the UN charter of 1995. Those guys have no business being here. Nowhere in their title does it say anything about child sex trafficking. This isn’t their beat.”

Tim appeared to agree.

“Well, sure, we’ve got no legal leg to stand on. But it’s a child sex ring! On Mars! Somebody had to do something. After that whole “Fast and Furious” gun thing, we needed some good press. What’s better press than busting a bunch of sick bastards with their habitation rings full of child sex slaves, and nipple rings full of, uh, shame?

“It isn’t like we’re done here, either. We’re going to go ahead and search for alcohol. That might be our best angle. If these guys are having sex with kids, I’m pretty sure we’ll turn up a wine cooler or a Zima eventually.”

“This is an awful lot of trouble to go to just to have sex with children. A windowless van full of candy would probably be cheaper.”

Victor protested the ATF’s right to search but eventually relented. No alcohol was found, although large quantities of various sedatives were.

“They’ve got, like, gummy candies laced with Xanax,” Tim said. “These people are twisted.

“I don’t even understand how this could’ve gotten started. Why would you ship kids across the vastness of space to some secret colony, just so some sicko could have sex with them? Who’s paying for all this? How’d it even start? Just … Why?”

“You have to understand, this was back in the ’60s, when NASA and NAMBLA were a lot closer than they are now,” Victor explained. “But, really, I’m a little mystified myself, and I’m in on the whole thing. This is an awful lot of trouble to go to just to have sex with children. A windowless van full of candy would probably be cheaper.

“Oh, and ask NASA to stop sending those stupid rovers. It sucks when you can’t go jogging the route you want to go jogging because the stupid robot is going to see you if you do. But all the sex with children partly makes up for it. That, and the free Tang.”

 

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About Jared Kendall

Jared Kendall
A freelance data journalist and father of two, Jared Kendall has been using comedy as a coping mechanism his entire life. Born a Yankee, Jared's twenty-year stint in Baton Rouge still leaves him with one question: "Why'd I move here, again?"

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