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Paranoid Gardener Warns of Secret Plant Society: “The Bloominati Is Watching”

A conspiracy-minded green thumb insists malevolent forces are using common horticulture as a means of spying on the everyday activities of regular Americans.

Baton Rouge homeowner and avid gardener Walter Hardy claims a powerful secret society has developed advanced botanical genetic technology and deployed an extensive network of surveillance plants across the country.

“The Bloominati is a secret society that’s so secret most people have never heard of it,” Hardy stated. “But just because you’ve never heard of them before, rest assured, the Bloominati is watching. They have plants everywhere to keep tabs on us.”

Unlike most plant and garden societies, Hardy says the Bloominati’s aim is to control world affairs in order to gain political influence and flower power.

“They wield influence while lurking in the shadows, which is ironic because plants need sunlight to survive, but the Bloominati thrives in darkness.”

“I’ve belonged to some shady garden and plant societies before; none of them had members that were as power-hungry as those in the Bloominati,” Hardy maintained. “They wield influence while lurking in the shadows, which is ironic because plants need sunlight to survive, but the Bloominati thrives in darkness.”

Standing next to the garden in front of his ranch-style Mid-City home, the highly distrustful Hardy pointed accusingly at one particular type of plant as a tool of the mysterious organization.

“The irises are watching us,” he explained. “They’re called irises — just like the irises of your eyes — for a reason. They even come in different colors, just like human eyes.”

Hardy said he’s attempted to purge the alleged surveillance greenery from his garden, but to no avail.

“I’ve tried getting rid of them,” Hardy lamented. “I’ve dug them up, ripped them out, but they just keep coming back every year. They’ve obviously been bioengineered to self-replicate even in the face of the most vicious treatment. It’s absolutely inSEEDious!”

 

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About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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